This Year’s Hottest Diseases and How to Get Them
Just like fashion, the medical world is ever-evolving at an ever-increasing pace. The diseases of yore, like syphilis and tuberculosis, had their moments for entire decades, sometimes even centuries. But these days, you can hardly catch the latest sexy yet pitiable disease, much less cure it, before the next big thing comes along. Last year, it was Lyme disease. The year before that, celiac. But how do you know what’s coming up next?
Fortunately, the medical trend-watchers of Bunny Ears, Inc. have our ungloved fingers on the pulse of communicable fashion, and we’ve assembled our predictions for this year’s hottest diseases, plus tips on how to get them. Just follow this guide and you’ll be on the cutting edge of epidemiology in no time. Speaking of which …
No, it’s not a fetish for Hemsworths—that never goes out of style. It’s a disease caused by a missing or defective clotting factor in the blood, causing the afflicted to bleed severely and unstoppably from the slightest of lacerations. This disease has it all: It makes you appear delicate and dainty, and you can scoff in offense at anyone who thoughtlessly leaves sharp objects in your path. Bonus: It’s associated with European royalty! The only catch—and it’s a big one—is that you usually have to be born with it. It is possible to acquire hemophilia later in life due to the development of antibodies to clotting factors, usually during pregnancy, but be advised that pregnancy is out this season, so get that over with as quickly as possible.
The Nipah virus is an up-to-the-minute epidemic. Although first identified in 1998, it mostly lay dormant until an outbreak occurred in South India just this June. That means you need to go to India to get it, and nothing says “worldly” like picking up a foreign disease. Just book a flight to Kolkata and hang out with some bats, which will be just great for the ‘Gram anyway. In a pinch, pigs will do, but they’re far less selfieable. Keep in mind that there is no cure for the Nipah virus and it has up to a 100% mortality rate in some places, so this is a high-risk, high-reward disease.
If retro is more your style, give the Black Death a go! Contrary to popular belief, this throwback is still alive and kicking, infecting up to 17 lucky fashion plaits every year in the United States. It’s transmitted by flea bites and contact with infected rodents or animal carcasses, so ideally go roll around in some fleabag squirrel roadkill. Just make sure to get treated early, because it can super kill you, or even worse, discolor your skin. If you beat it, though, you get to brag that you survived a disease that killed off ⅓ of the human population at one point. They probably have stickers for it.
This is hands-down our number-one pick for this year’s hottest disease. It does involve shitting yourself to possible death, but hear us out: At almost 500,000 infections in the US every year, Clostridium difficile (or C. diff) is sweeping the nation, and that number has been increasing every year since 2001, primarily among women. Before you know it, all of your friends will have C. diff. You don’t want to be the last one with boring poop, do you? Think of all the group bathroom trips, yogurt dates, and spa surgeries you’ll miss out on. You need to get yourself to the filthiest hospital you can find and misuse some unnecessary antibiotics pronto. The best part: One of the most effective treatments is a fecal transplant, which involves inserting a healthy person’s poop into your colon. That might gross you out now, but soon everyone will be getting them, and they’ll think you’re a body-negative, childish prude for giggling at the idea of getting buttfucked by a poopsicle. Come on. Grow up.