EARN YOUR FUR: How To Kill This Fall’s Hottest Living Creatures
If you’re like us, you crave the bleeding edge of fashion. You want to be unique, to stand out from the crowd- No, to stand above the crowd. You want anyone who glances your way to know immediately that you are better than them. With the advent of social media, trending hashtags, free two-day shipping, etc., etc., it’s become easier than ever for the layman to stay instantly up to date with the latest in fashion. And if you’re like us, this fills you with a white-hot rage.
Yes, it’s more difficult than ever to be at the forefront, to set the trends that others follow. It’s tough to be the first at the hippest new restaurants when anyone can Google “vegan dining concept near me.” Or to keep your style unique and eye-catching when anyone can search “discount Halloween costumes” on Amazon. Which is why this year in fashion is all about going back to basics… with fur. Fur is timeless, of course, and never truly goes out of style. But what’s really hot right now is only wearing what you’ve truly earned, asserting your dominance over the fashion industry, and nature itself.
Strangle it until it’s clothes.
To that end, here are our tips for killing the season’s hottest animals with your bare hands:
Your goal here is to make them come to you. If you’re traveling the foothills or the mountains in a group, cougars are less likely to make their presence known. You want to be traveling alone, or possibly with a child or small animal. You’ll want to make yourself look small and weak. Exhibit the posture of a sickly prey animal. Slump your shoulders, bend at the knees, stare at the ground. When the beautiful, stylish cat finally attacks you, batter it around the nose and ears with your open palms to disorient it. You want to maintain an element of surprise; the cougar shouldn’t know your intention to turn it into the latest fall fashion until it’s too late. Don’t make too much noise, don’t bare your teeth, don’t make eye contact, and don’t make yourself too large. As the almost-jacket presses on with unearned confidence, rake your hands across its eyes. Then, you pounce: Straddle your outfit-to-be’s back and hook an arm around its neck. Choke the cougar until the life drains from its eyes. Strangle it until it’s clothes.
Next up, if you’re in North America, there’s a chance you’ve got foxes living in your neighborhood right now. These guys are everywhere, like coyotes, but way cooler. What’s more, it’s not uncommon for them to travel in groups large enough to flesh out your wardrobe after just a single whirlwind of unrelenting violence. We suggest leaving the bodies of fresh, smaller kills near the foxes’ territory. Punch a few rabbits, then set them out as bait. When the foxes arrive for their meal, identify the largest male and attack him from the side, as they tend to fight head-on. This will give you an early advantage. After you’ve taken him off-balance, grapple him quickly, and use his body as a weapon to bludgeon his mates and children. This is the most efficient way to gather a bounty of fox fur without suffering too many bites.
You can bite through almost any part of a bear.
This is high-level couture, recommended for true fashionistas only. You’ll want to first antagonize the bear, and make sure it really, truly wants you dead. A bear who’s lost its will to fight will make a last-year outfit, at best. In order to be preeminent in style, you need a bear that is as passionate about eating you as you are about wearing it. After you’ve established that it’s not bluffing with its charges, lie down on your stomach. This will prevent the bear from standing on its own hind legs to crush you with a single blow. Instead, the bear will try to roll you onto your back. When this happens, immediately kick the bear hard in the snout. This will buy you a few precious moments, as the bear reels back in pain and confusion. This is your window to immediately close the distance and press your face to the bear’s powerful neck. Remember this key fashion tip: When strength is taken as an amount of force exerted on an external object, the jaw is the strongest muscle in the human body. You can bite through almost any part of a bear. Bite through this majestic attire’s throat. Keep biting until you find the jugular. Do it for style. As the blood fills your mouth, think of how trendy you’ll be. Remember that fashion is pain.