Red Eyeshadow Is The Hottest New Look Until I Recover From This Infection

I have been cuh-razy for dramatic red eyeshadow looks ever since the wastewater treatment plant’s annual apple bob. Melissa was there and she was absolutely cuh-rushing a dark maroon eyeliner, and I thought to myself, “Wow, my left eye is really itching right now.” And sure enough, it WAS itching.

So I headed over to Sephora, where a sales associate told me that red is “the hottest trend in makeup right now” and that I should “see a doctor.” After she stopped yelling at me for using the store samples on my cuh-rusty lashes, she helped me find a terrific fire palette and a few eyeliners. Sure, it was a little expensive. But not as expensive as seeing a doctor about this crippling eye infection.

Now I have three HAWT looks and I. Cannot. Stop. Gushing. Literally, I’ve gone through six boxes of tissues. Where is it all coming from? Additionally, I’ve found crimson eyeliner to be hot, like the pain spreading its fiery tendrils to my sinuses. It’s also exciting, like the pulsing growth on my right lash line which I have named Cecil (plus, I’ve found that a rich cherry is a perfect match for the artery feeding him. I’m SUH-MITTEN).

Pro Tips:

If you’re having trouble applying perfectly-winged eyeliner, either because you’re inexperienced or because your vision has slowly faded into a grey curtain of agony, ask a friend to come over and berate you for your refusal to seek help for a contagious disease. Also, FYI, red mascara seems to soothe Cecil, who has become increasingly angry and reclusive. With just a few sweeps of that little applicator wand, you’ll have a mod look sure to impress the horrified nurses at the urgent care clinic.

Just Remember:

A bold red eye may feel intimidating, but not as intimidating as navigating the insurance paperwork following a hospitalization for eye sepsis. Anyway, stay tuned for more posts on upcoming trends, like very big sunglasses and full face veils.

Images: Unsplash