Creative Solutions To Male-Pattern Baldness
Sorry, ladies, but this post is just for THE GUYS! No girls allowed, LOL!
Anyway. What’s up, my dudes? Now that the females are gone (and I love calling them females), let’s rap about man stuff, know what I’m saying? No, not last night’s siiiiiick game, or chicken wings, or beer (BEER)! Or how Coyote Ugly is unquestionably the number one all-time best movie to jerk it to. We need to talk serious stuff, about health and junk. We’re talking male-pattern baldness solutions, bro.
There’s no shame is thinning hair or hair loss, man. You’re not 19 anymore, broseph, and alopecia (which some dumb book calls it), will affect most dudes. But it’s so lit AF to be alive in a time where there are so many ways to deal with baldness. Try one of these solutions and you’ll feel like you’re back in your Sigma Chi days!
Wear Many Hats
You’ve probably already thought of wearing a hat to hide your bald spot or thinning patches. But your old white Ohio State cap is just gonna make people think you’re balding under there. (They’ll know, dude.) Instead of wearing one hat, wear several hats, either a bunch of small ones, or a big stack of regular ones. Bro, everyone will be so impressed with your hat game that they won’t even think about your disgusting bald spot, bro.
Dude, we know. This will make you look like you live in a museum, or in an old movie that’s not even in color, or in that video game you didn’t play because you thought it was too ‘thinky.’ But wait, don’t go! It covers up your entire body, which includes your head. That means that no matter where your bald spots lay, or where new ones develop, you’re good to go. No one will know. Plus, you can pipe in stuff you like through the breathing tube, like Drakkar Noir and stuff.
The next time you check out a Mark Wahlberg movie, sit in the back row of the theater. If no bro is behind you, there’s no bro to notice and judge your tragic loss of hair. Uh, also, though- if you pick this option, you can never, ever leave your seat to hit the can. Also, you can never, like, leave the theater at all or go home. But it’s cool, if the theater is one of those nice ones where they deliver snacks to your seat. And Mark Wahlberg makes a lot of movies every year. Plus the new Avengers movie. Dude, we’re so psyched for that.
Nah, sorry, not those kinds of shots. Hormone shots, man! If you’re nine feet tall, no bro in the world will be able to see that you’re straight up balding.
If needles squick you out, you could just get really tall by living on top of a mountain. Nature is, like, cool, you know? Trees aren’t going to talk smack at you for a thinning hair line, and if they do, you, can just walk up to them like, “What’d you say about me, bro?” And then chop them down and make a sweet campfire. S’mores are tight and taste just as good when you’re bald.
Why Comb “Over” When You Could Comb “Under”?
Instead of slapping those wimpy little threads over tha spot, a doctor will straight up flip your scalp so your bald spot goes on the inside. The ladies are always saying they care about what’s on the inside, and this way, they’ll totes see the inside of your head skin, dude.
There has to be, like a head transplant list by now, right? The future is totally now and science is like, really good. Get on that list now, dude!
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…