Let Me Impart Some Wisdom On You: This Diet Rules

May 19, 2018 by , featured in Food and Recipes
Share this on
  • 18
    Shares

Do you have a hard time stopping yourself from endless late night binges? Do you find that even hearing the word “exercise” evokes an involuntary gag reflex? And are you looking to lose weight? Here’s a diet I bet you haven’t tried yet: the wisdom teeth removal diet! Now, if you’ve already had yours removed, do not worry! This diet can still work for you. (More on that later.) But for the rest of you wisdom-tooth-bearing folks, I’m going to let you know about the only diet that’s ever worked for me…

Sometimes you need a catalyst to get your weight-loss journey started. Having your teeth yanked out of your mouth is the perfect one.

If it worked for me, it can work for you.

Did you know if you find a dental school clinic, you could get a young student to do the dirty work for free? You just need to convince them that your wisdom teeth are causing you pain. So really play up your agony. Maybe take an acting class first.

Once you have your surgery, you’ve got two separate factors working in your favor to promote weight-loss.

Number one: physically, you can’t open your mouth very wide, and it’s painful to chew. Number two: you’ve been armed with pain medications. Medications that come with the side effects of both stomach pain and loss of appetite. All the cards are stacked in your favor! You don’t have to resist your urges to eat because the shooting pain of even attempting it will remove any cravings you ever had for that big juicy burger. So, liquids it is.

And I don’t know anyone who got fat on juice and smoothies, do you?

But eventually, you’ll start to heal. And you’re not looking for a quick fix, you want to keep the weight off forever. So, you must establish a connection with your pharmacist. Let’s just say there was a sex tape/blackmail situation that leads to my continuation of free pain pills (but that’s just a suggestion). If you have another creative way to get your pharmacist to collude with you, go for it! And, please, I want to hear about it! Share below in the comments.

MORE FROM BUNNY EARS
Lavish Vacation Spots To Visit When You’re On The Run From The Securities and Exchange Commission

If removing just a few teeth could lead to such great results, why stop there? Let’s keep yanking them out. You have two choices here. You can arrange a similar sex-tape/blackmail situation with your dentist or, removing your own teeth can be a total DIY job. Got a wrench? That’s one route. The classic tooth tied to a doorknob is another. Worried about the pain? What’s that rattling I hear? Oh, right. The plethora of pain pills you have at your disposal.

With your teeth gone, you’re back on a liquid diet.

Chewing just isn’t an option, so you don’t have to worry about impulse control the way you do on the average diet. And if you’re worried about looks, they’re called dentures and they look just as good, if not better, than your real, actual teeth. No one will know your secret. Removal is the way to go…

Which is another reason this diet is great. It’s customizable to fit your life. Remember I said if you’ve already had your wisdom teeth out, this diet could still work for you? It can! If you have another body part that you prefer to remove, you can go that route instead.

There are so many organs that are not necessary

Really, they’re just taking up space in our bodies and weighing us down! I’m talking your kidneys, spleen, colon… if you’d rather remove any of those parts, do it! Just make sure to get pain pills to numb the pizza cravings. Did you know the average femur weighs over half a pound? I’m telling you, your body is a junkyard of heavy garbage; it’s time to remove that weight!

What do you say? Are you on board for this easy, no-exercise, no self-discipline-required diet? Yes? This may be the drugs talking, but you look thinner already!


Share this on
  • 18
    Shares

Leave a comment

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

logo
Home Lifestyle Pop Culture Wrestling Podcasts Videos About Us