I Finally Found My Grandma’s Secret Lube Recipe

My grandmother was the backbone of our family. There’s been a ton of friction ever since she passed, especially in our sex lives. That’s because she had the absolute best lube, and now that she’s gone, we don’t know what to do. Her absence has left a raw, sore, and often bloody mark in our hearts as well as in our … well, you know.

Granny Glide was the absolute best lube I ever tried. It wasn’t just the fact that it lasted as long as you needed or that you could use it to squeeze an award-winning pumpkin into a Skee-Ball ring. It was the warm feeling you got while using it—and that feeling was the love and care she put into every batch. It really made you bust extra hard.

When she died, we were afraid that her recipe went with her. She never got around to telling us exactly what was in it (mainly because she was always too busy slutting around the nursing home). Luckily, while perusing one of her many sex toy drawers, I stumbled across her secret formula.

To make Granny Glide, you need a food mixer, a tablespoon of coconut oil, a pinch of embalming fluid, and the liquid innards of three to 12 car batteries. Blend and strain the ingredients vigorously until you can form it into a perfect dollop.

Rest in peace, Grandma. In her honor, we’re going to coat her casket in her prized invention and shove it into a tiny, dirty hole, just as she would have wanted.

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