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…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
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…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
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…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
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…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….

Goddess Problems: When The Pegasus You Summoned Is Kind Of A Dick

You’ve slipped on your diaphanous robe, performed the spring dance of joy, and gotten rainbow carrots ready. That’s right: you’ve finally completed all the ritual requirements needed to summon a glorious magical Pegasus best friend from the realm of Disney’s Greek Mythology! But even though it was admittedly breathtaking when he broke through the sunset clouds and whinnied his welcome to you, something now seems…off. I know you imagined that by now you’d be galloping the skies together, but your Pegasus, turns out, is kinda a dick.

pegasusThis all-too-common problem is definitely a job for the experts. Do NOT turn to internet forums to try and discover why your Pegasus is such a dumb bitch about everything. Instead, we consulted with experts on Mt Olympus to help you diagnose your jerk horse-bird. And luckily, they provided us with tried-and-tests solutions for every PegaProblem.

Your Pegasus Is Sad

If your PegPal (don’t call him that) is suffering from wing droop, roll-y eyes, and regular flopping to the ground instead of soaring majestically into the dawn, he might be depressed. Listen, suburban New Jersey is nice and all, but your Pegasus grew up dining on ambrosia apples and cantering through marshmallow clouds. He’s likely having difficulty with the transition and is withdrawn from normal Pegasus-bonding activities.

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Solution: Get Your Pegasus Drunk

pegasusThey may have ambrosia on Mt Olympus, but you know what they don’t have? Keg parties. Introduce your no-longer-mythical buddy to some old-fashioned bonding techniques, ie, shots. Hit the clubs (like you aren’t going to get in with a freaking pegasus) and slam back some tequila. However you get wasted together, he’ll be your BMHFF (Best Magical Horse Friend Forever) by his third bucket of Patron. And definitely get him on the dance floor- mythical horses got MOVES.

Your Pegasus Is Angry

He departed Mt Olympus less like a leaf on the wind and more like a bat outta hell. The truth is, he was having a FINE time being a GOD HORSE and he didn’t WANNA COME to your stupid human plane of existence. This type of pegasus transitional disorder is common in adolescent winged horsies, who often don’t have the communication or processing skills to discuss their needs and feelings. I mean, they never have those, they are basically just horses with an extras package. Still, as with every species, it’s worse when they’re teens. Anyway, if there’s lots of stamping and rearing going on, you got a mad meat airplane.

Solution: Fight Your Pegasus

PegasusPegasi anger is not easy to sooth or talk away. Your flying foe needs a place where his feelings are honored, and right now, he’s feeling like kicking some ass. What better way to build a trusting relationship than to fight him yourself? Walk slowly and deliberately toward your glowing, iridescent equine. Next, look him straight in the eye, and KNOCK OVER HIS OATS. This is the ultimate horse sign that the shit is on; it’ll be fists vs. hooves in no time. By the way, this is not going to go great for you. I mean, he weighs 700 pounds and, thanks to his wings, can body slam you from about 40 feet up.

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Your Pegasus Has Imbibed Toxic Masculinity

When he crested the horizon and skidded to a graceful halt in that field of autumn leaves, you did find it slightly weird he had on a novelty t-shirt reading “Cool Story Babe Now Make Me A Hay.” As you led him toward the gleaming stable you had so meticulously designed, he butted you out of the way and stormed in first. Then he pooped on the floor and looked at you like it was your job to clean it up. Yes, unfortunately, due to the heavy bro climate of the Sacred Mountain Of The Gods, your Pegasus is misogynistic douchebag.

Solution: Enroll Your Pegasus In A Gender Studies Course

pegasusBasement-dwelling feather ponies may be able to get away with whatever they want up on Dude Mountain, but down here, we have…well, also a lot of sexism and gender inequality. But animals are also considered property down here, which means if he wants his dinner, he better stop playing video games and finish that chapter of Roxane Gay’s Bad Feminist. When he hits bell hooks, he’ll be proudly flying you to women’s marches, protest sign clutched in his teeth.

Check his sign, though. If it says “Justice For Milo,” it’s time to get a centaur.

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