Jessica Ellis

Our hot new antibiotics primer let’s you get the most out of this year’s music festival without looking like a basic penicillin loser.

Bad news: you won’t be taking a glorious spring beach escape this year. Good news: We found out who booked your spot, and they’re so much cooler than you!

Your wedding gift registry isn’t about tradition, it’s about letting guests know you can outscrew anyone, in explicit detail!

And the eggs are hard boiled, so brunch is served!

Your marriage is more like gold than you think, which is why you should invest in both your love and this incredibly stable currency form TODAY!

Your imperfections aren’t a good enough reason to appropriate the last art form of truly beautiful women – the no-makeup selfie.

If you gotta go, you gotta go mourned eternally by someone who found true love just to have it slip through their fingers by the cruelty of fate (and that double-decker bus.)

Coughing directly in your child’s face is the ecological, non-toxic, and natural way to ensure they grow healthy immune systems.

It’s just science.

Penii? Penes? Amanda, what am I supposed to write here?

Live in the natural squalor you deserve.

I will not let my beautiful border collie suffer alone!

Yes, if you long for a really fuzzy pair of hands around your throat these amazing winter turtlenecks are the perfect way to blend your kink with your couture!

Yes, even seventeen months after they died in that tragic safari giraffe stampede accident.

Have you heard of Tanzania? We hadn’t!

He’s a sexy liar god, and that’s hot!

A therapist is just someone you pay to listen and be nice to you. At Trader Joe’s they do it for free.

We would never want to cramp your hump-pumping with the cruel reality of below freezing weather.

Because therapy is hard.

Fellow spiritual siblings, if you’ve been on a vision journey over the last 12 months, you may be blissfully preparing for the season of peace and joy. Unfortunately, here on the bodily plane, it turns out that everything everywhere is now terrible. But nothing can stop the lighting of the menorah or the trimming of […]

Deck the halls with a perfect Christmas tree, you absolutely miserable bastard.

Same time, same place, same genetics. Eh, with modern dating, who has time to care about all three?

When was the last time a litter of helpless newborn kittens did anything nice for YOU?

Revenge on your sibling should fuel most of your life decisions.

Here’s your official, foolproof STD diagnoses via unforgettable song stylings that, believe it or not, beat West Side Story out for a Tony. Because racism.

Honestly, who goes ‘Oh a mug? Fantastic, that’s what I’ve always wanted and had no idea how to get’

Sometimes your pegasus is a god damn pegadick.

To hand-crafted beers made in local breweries, to yoga, to yogurt, to rice and beans and cheese!

Teach that stupid furball to stop being such a basic bitch

Don’t even bother trying to cover up that horrible potato head

Because nothing feels as good as fitting into designer skinny jeans. Not even love.

Why is Thanksgiving so damn complicated?

For my family, Thanksgiving was always a time of communion, of considering our gratitude, and of worsening our hereditary TMJ by grinding our teeth while my grandmother berated my girl cousins and I for wasting our lives without a man. As the mashed potatoes were passed and the gravy was poured, we all tried to […]

Modern guys just aren’t cutting it for me.

I’ve got stuffing in the oven, and I don’t mean the one in my kitchen!

Everyone needs a good post-divorce craft project, even if it means building a whole new family who will never desert me out of fruit.

At first, Andrea was hesitant to take our suggestion that she try aerial yoga for this article, which we respectfully acknowledged. Then she started screaming.

Killer whales have dominated the mommy game lately, which is why I’m now only communicating with my children with squeaking and nose bumps.

You better hope your colon is in order, because I’m about to blow the shit straight out of you.

I didn’t expect anyone to understand the sacrifice I was making through my hunger strike, but I really didn’t expect them to vehemently insist I keep going.

Autumn is the perfect time to tackle a project like knitting a beautiful scarf, one that could finesse your whole look if you finished it, which you won’t.

Turn your stupid fat American child into a glorious, perfectly-behaved little Madeline thanks to a strict French diet!

Your favorite color reveals both your preferences for physical and spiritual connections, but also some pretty graphic details about how you’ll snuff it.

Let’s skip over how much weight your going to gain this year and use your holiday horoscope the way everyone should: to ward off angry moms.

Instead of candy, give your neighbors what they really want this Halloween: a comprehensive sexual education via seasonal and sensual pumpkins!