Jessica Ellis is a filmmaker in LA, has written for HelloGiggles and The Toast, and can be found offering free pies on twitter at @baddestmamajama. She has a limited amount of time for your nonsense.
Don’t Just Minimize Your Pores, Psychologically Destroy Them
Humiliate them until they dissolve in shame and fear.
Summer’s Hottest Trend: Replacing Your Corneas With Buttons
The blindness is SO worth it.
Enjoy Horse Racing Ethically By Volunteering As The Horse
Getting whipped with a tiny man on your back has never felt so good!
Our Vacation Packing Guide Is So Light, You’ll Die Of Exposure
Vacation should be about leaving your old life and tired connections behind, along with most of your clothes and ALL of your money!
Grow Your Pubes Now For This Year’s Coziest Winter Blanket—Here’s How
Use your pubes as nature intended!
Yellow Is For Fuck Buddies: Learn The New Romantic Language Of Roses
Roses are still the flowers of romance, but if you are giving anyone a bouquet of white roses for their purity in 2019, you need to update your ideas.
Which Classic ’80s Board Game Is Responsible For Your Anxiety Disorder?
Do you panic during surgery? Do you constantly fear getting lost in the mall?
Biodegradable Workout Equipment You’ll Only Use Once Anyway
Want to save the planet AND keep being an unimprovable slob? Our biodegradable work-out equipment lets you finally feel good about doing nothing!
These Trendy Salads Were Recalled But Oh God We’re Gonna Eat Them Anyway
The hottest new salad proteins are hopefully maggots, because that’s definitely what’s in this trendy salad pack we bought three weeks ago!
Savory Ice Cream Flavors Created by Some Monster
Check out our reviews of these actual savory ice cream flavors apparently made by demon aliens who want to ruin everything you love in this world.
We Apologize for Endorsing Sex with Men
Having mulled over all the evidence since the dawn of time, we’ve realized that sex with men was an atrocious mistake, and we must apologize.
Great Ways To Sneak In Some Day Drinking This Mother’s Day
Drinking on Mother’s Day won’t help your partner and children truly appreciate you, but it WILL get you through another day without murder charges!
If You Ate Those Charcoal Ice Cream Cones You Now Have 24 Hours to Live
We were first to tell you to try charcoal ice cream cones, so let us also be the first to add some unfortunate news!
The Newest Spring Color Is Gray Because All The Plants Have Died
We might be living in a lifeless, barren wasteland, but it’s nothing a little color wouldn’t spruce up if we hadn’t killed every color but grey!
2019 Swimsuit Trends For Every Body As Long As They’re Skinny
Swimwear is no place to abandon ANY of your sisters, that’s why we’ve got the perfect swimsuits for every gal whose body fat percentage we accept as okay!
Our Festival Season Guide To The Most Luxe Antibiotics
Our hot new antibiotics primer let’s you get the most out of this year’s music festival without looking like a basic penicillin loser.
Dreamy Spring Beach Escapes That Are Already Booked By Better People
Bad news: you won’t be taking a glorious spring beach escape this year. Good news: We found out who booked your spot, and they’re so much cooler than you!
Use Your Wedding Gift Registry To Ensure Your Guests Know You Fuck Hard
Your wedding gift registry isn’t about tradition, it’s about letting guests know you can outscrew anyone, in explicit detail!
Return To The Pagan Roots Of Easter By Shooting Eggs Out Your Vag
And the eggs are hard boiled, so brunch is served!
Revive Your Marriage In Three Easy Steps and $15 Million in Gold Bullion
Your marriage is more like gold than you think, which is why you should invest in both your love and this incredibly stable currency form TODAY!
Faking No-Makeup Selfies: A Hate Crime Against Actually Beautiful Women
Your imperfections aren’t a good enough reason to appropriate the last art form of truly beautiful women – the no-makeup selfie.
Ways To Find Love Before You Die Tragically On Valentine’s Day
If you gotta go, you gotta go mourned eternally by someone who found true love just to have it slip through their fingers by the cruelty of fate (and that double-decker bus.)
Improve Your Child’s Immunity By Coughing In Her Face
Coughing directly in your child’s face is the ecological, non-toxic, and natural way to ensure they grow healthy immune systems.
We Found The Key To Stop Aging But It Involves Skinning These Puppies
It’s just science.
Western Medicine Is A Lie: What Are Penises REALLY For?!??!!!!!??!
Penii? Penes? Amanda, what am I supposed to write here?
The Newest Eco-Cleaning Trend Is Living In Squalor!
Live in the natural squalor you deserve.
I’m Wearing This Cone To Better Empathize With My Dog
I will not let my beautiful border collie suffer alone!
These Winter Turtlenecks Will Make The Most Of Your Choking Fetish
Yes, if you long for a really fuzzy pair of hands around your throat these amazing winter turtlenecks are the perfect way to blend your kink with your couture!
It’s Never Too Late To Start Planning Your Parents’ Funerals
Yes, even seventeen months after they died in that tragic safari giraffe stampede accident.
Six Countries We Should Be Doing More To Exploit
Have you heard of Tanzania? We hadn’t!
Your Baby Daddy Is Zeus Disguised As A Shower Of Gold: Own It!
He’s a sexy liar god, and that’s hot!
The Newest Therapy Trend: Telling The Grocery Clerk How Sad You Are
A therapist is just someone you pay to listen and be nice to you. At Trader Joe’s they do it for free.
The Hottest Snow Gear You Can Still Fuck In
We would never want to cramp your hump-pumping with the cruel reality of below freezing weather.
Mask Your Depression By Telling Everyone You’re A Hibernating Bear
Because therapy is hard.
These New Twists On Hot Cocoa Might Literally Save Your Life
Fellow spiritual siblings, if you’ve been on a vision journey over the last 12 months, you may be blissfully preparing for the season of peace and joy. Unfortunately, here on the bodily plane, it turns out that everything everywhere is now terrible. But nothing can stop the lighting of the menorah or the trimming of […]
Which Christmas Tree Is Right For Your Empty, Loveless Apartment?
Deck the halls with a perfect Christmas tree, you absolutely miserable bastard.
Holiday Dating Hack: Just Fuck Your Cousins?
Same time, same place, same genetics. Eh, with modern dating, who has time to care about all three?
Let Go Of Toxic Relationships: Ignore The Homeless Kittens In Your Shed
When was the last time a litter of helpless newborn kittens did anything nice for YOU?
How To Be A ‘Cool Aunt’ Just To Get Revenge On Your Sibling
Revenge on your sibling should fuel most of your life decisions.
Diagnosing Your STDs Through Musical Theater: The Music Man Edition
Here’s your official, foolproof STD diagnoses via unforgettable song stylings that, believe it or not, beat West Side Story out for a Tony. Because racism.
Festive Seasonal Mugs That Zero People Want From You This Christmas
Honestly, who goes ‘Oh a mug? Fantastic, that’s what I’ve always wanted and had no idea how to get’
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…