Jessica Ellis

Humiliate them until they dissolve in shame and fear.

The blindness is SO worth it.

Getting whipped with a tiny man on your back has never felt so good!

Oops.

Vacation should be about leaving your old life and tired connections behind, along with most of your clothes and ALL of your money!

Finally!

Use your pubes as nature intended!

You may be surprised by these findings.

Roses are still the flowers of romance, but if you are giving anyone a bouquet of white roses for their purity in 2019, you need to update your ideas.

Do you panic during surgery? Do you constantly fear getting lost in the mall?

Want to save the planet AND keep being an unimprovable slob? Our biodegradable work-out equipment lets you finally feel good about doing nothing!

The hottest new salad proteins are hopefully maggots, because that’s definitely what’s in this trendy salad pack we bought three weeks ago!

Check out our reviews of these actual savory ice cream flavors apparently made by demon aliens who want to ruin everything you love in this world.

Having mulled over all the evidence since the dawn of time, we’ve realized that sex with men was an atrocious mistake, and we must apologize.

Drinking on Mother’s Day won’t help your partner and children truly appreciate you, but it WILL get you through another day without murder charges!

We were first to tell you to try charcoal ice cream cones, so let us also be the first to add some unfortunate news!

We might be living in a lifeless, barren wasteland, but it’s nothing a little color wouldn’t spruce up if we hadn’t killed every color but grey!

Swimwear is no place to abandon ANY of your sisters, that’s why we’ve got the perfect swimsuits for every gal whose body fat percentage we accept as okay!

Our hot new antibiotics primer let’s you get the most out of this year’s music festival without looking like a basic penicillin loser.

Bad news: you won’t be taking a glorious spring beach escape this year. Good news: We found out who booked your spot, and they’re so much cooler than you!

Your wedding gift registry isn’t about tradition, it’s about letting guests know you can outscrew anyone, in explicit detail!

And the eggs are hard boiled, so brunch is served!

Your marriage is more like gold than you think, which is why you should invest in both your love and this incredibly stable currency form TODAY!

Your imperfections aren’t a good enough reason to appropriate the last art form of truly beautiful women – the no-makeup selfie.

If you gotta go, you gotta go mourned eternally by someone who found true love just to have it slip through their fingers by the cruelty of fate (and that double-decker bus.)

Coughing directly in your child’s face is the ecological, non-toxic, and natural way to ensure they grow healthy immune systems.

It’s just science.

Penii? Penes? Amanda, what am I supposed to write here?

Live in the natural squalor you deserve.

I will not let my beautiful border collie suffer alone!

Yes, if you long for a really fuzzy pair of hands around your throat these amazing winter turtlenecks are the perfect way to blend your kink with your couture!

Yes, even seventeen months after they died in that tragic safari giraffe stampede accident.

Have you heard of Tanzania? We hadn’t!

He’s a sexy liar god, and that’s hot!

A therapist is just someone you pay to listen and be nice to you. At Trader Joe’s they do it for free.

We would never want to cramp your hump-pumping with the cruel reality of below freezing weather.

Because therapy is hard.

Fellow spiritual siblings, if you’ve been on a vision journey over the last 12 months, you may be blissfully preparing for the season of peace and joy. Unfortunately, here on the bodily plane, it turns out that everything everywhere is now terrible. But nothing can stop the lighting of the menorah or the trimming of […]

Deck the halls with a perfect Christmas tree, you absolutely miserable bastard.

Same time, same place, same genetics. Eh, with modern dating, who has time to care about all three?

When was the last time a litter of helpless newborn kittens did anything nice for YOU?

Revenge on your sibling should fuel most of your life decisions.

Here’s your official, foolproof STD diagnoses via unforgettable song stylings that, believe it or not, beat West Side Story out for a Tony. Because racism.

Honestly, who goes ‘Oh a mug? Fantastic, that’s what I’ve always wanted and had no idea how to get’

Sometimes your pegasus is a god damn pegadick.