If you’re anything like us, the snow gently falling on the wintry pines makes you want to get out, commune with nature, and bone like sex-starved goats. Alas, for centuries, our ancestors have been driven indoors by the tempestuous winter weather, forced to carve through dozens of layers of cumbersome clothing to get at their sweet, sweet bits.
But we at Bunny Ears live in the 21st century, where no obstacle on Earth is allowed to come between a human and their orgasm. We would never want to cramp your hump-pumping with the cruel reality of below-freezing weather, so we’ve put together this guide to combining fucking fashion with fucking function. Check out our fabulous and fashionable snow gear made for all your randy little needs.
You know the feeling when the winter wind picks up and blows a gust so cold it feels like 1,000 penguins just shot you in the face with ice cannons? Imagine that feeling on your balls. Rather than giving up your festively winter arboreal blow jobs, we’ve designed the perfect solution! The balaclava gives your partner all the protection of regular ski mask but with an added pouch in the front to tuck your falafel in while they’re deep-throating your gyro.
The Peek-A-Boob Bib Pants For Her
With just a few modifications to the classic bib snow pants, you can now keep your pants up and indulge in some frolicsome flashing, all without Jack Frost nipping at your nips. These snow pants fit like a traditional jumpsuit, but a handy row of buttons on the bib allows you to pull back the outer down layer, exposing your beautiful bazooms via a heat-insulating, fully transparent silicone boob window. Did we mention the silicone offers excellent complexion-blurring power? Who needs an Insta filter when you’ve got the Peek-A-Boob?
The Porking Pocket
Look at you, Maverick! You really shredded that slope! What’s a better way to celebrate conquering the mountain than a little self-love? Our patented casual snowpants come in a variety of distracting patterns, the better to draw the eye away from you rubbing one out among the picturesque cedars. More importantly, they feature deep, insulated pockets, allowing you to tunnel through your own snowsuit and reach yourself for a little private celebration. After all, masturbation is the proof that nature wants you to have a good time, whether you have a partner or not!
The Snow Tunnel Of Love
For serious subzero sexy times, the only possible outdoor gear is a full survival suit. To many people, this makes you look like a giant marshmallow, but to a few brave souls, it gives you an opportunity to fuck a giant marshmallow. Rather than let your privates feel one iota of the bone- and boner-chilling cold, simply pull apart the Velcro strips conveniently located in the genital region. Secure your strips to the corresponding ones on your partner’s suit, and ta-da! You’ve created a fully insulated co-survival suit to play “help the snake find a cave for hibernation.” Frosty, forest-friendly fucking is finally available, without a hint of a chill withering your nethers.