I’m Building A Neighborhood Garden No Matter What My Asshole Neighbors Say

Friends, I believe in community. I believe in dignity, responsibility, early socialization, and a chosen family. I believe in your rights, but more importantly, I believe in my rights. Specifically, my right to build this neighborhood community garden, whether my asshole neighbors like it or not.

Growing Our Community

A community garden is beneficial in a variety of ways that I find very important. Not only does it allow for the growing of fruits and vegetables we all can share, but it also allows me to go hogwild on the gardening accoutrements section of the William Sonoma catalogue. Which is why I can’t understand my neighbors’—not to name names, but especially Kayleigh and Von Schmidt’s—objections. Yes, technically I placed a communal chicken coop in “their” yard, but it was a chicken coop that cost $1,100. Some people just don’t respect real artisan quality.

And fine, yes, I understand Phil and Don’s problems with the melon patch. Sure, the rose bushes I dug up to plant them were pretty. And yes, I understand that according to “law” I’m not allowed to build this community garden just anywhere that’s technically in the community. But will Phil and Don be eating delicious roses at the Summer Block Party BBQ? Or would they rather eat delicious yard-grown honeydew melons? I rest my case.

Reaping What You Sow

Overall, my despair over everyone’s wildly oversensitive reactions to our beautiful community garden comes down to one major point: Being neighborly. Being neighborly used to be at the core of American values, whether it was grabbing a cup of sugar from another housewife, or banding together to keep “those people” out of the neighborhood. But apparently, we just aren’t able to depend on each other for that kind of support any more.

Still, I can’t quite get over how inhospitable and unfriendly this neighborhood has become. Which is why I’ve inserted a “weekly forced garden labor” provision into the Homeowner’s Association Agreement. They’ll thank me later.

Image: Unsplash