5 Recipes To Impress No One Because You Don’t Need To, You’re Perfect
Do you have guests coming over and want a great recipe to impress them with? Why? If they’ve already met you, they are impressed by what a smart, funny, empathetic, gorgeous human being you are. Instead, here are some recipes that will leave you plenty of time for the most fabulous person in your life: you.
Slow Cooker Cocktail Weenies
- 1 small jar grape jelly
- 1 bottle barbecue sauce
- 2 packages cocktail weenies
Mix all that shit together in a slow cooker for like, ugh, I don’t know, like 20 minutes. Until it’s hot enough to seem edible, I guess. Then serve it to all of those ingrates who think you need a fancy recipe to impress them, which you don’t. Remember, you are fabulous, and your ability to heat up hot dogs coated in grape jelly has nothing to do with that.
Water With Fruit And Junk In It
- 3 quarts water
- 1 cup fresh raspberries
- 5 lemon slices
Not only will this recipe impress people, it’s also great because it requires almost zero effort on your part. Why cut up lemons when you could be writing a love letter to yourself? In fact, just dump the lemon in whole and rewatch Parks and Rec. You deserve it!
Pigs In A Blanket (Where You Should Be Instead Of In The Kitchen)
- 2 cans refrigerated crescent rolls
- 1 14-oz. package cocktail weenies
- 1/3 cup Dijon mustard
Preheat the oven to 375 degrees. While it’s preheating, take the time to meditate on the really smart things you’ve done at work recently because you’re the best. Roll out the dough and divide it into triangles. Coat the triangles in Dijon mustard, and honestly, you don’t have to. I’m only adding the mustard to this recipe because I know you’ll probably eat some of these, and you deserve mustard. Throw the cocktail weenies on top, roll them up in the dough triangles, and toss the whole thing in the oven for 12–15 minutes.
Three-Ingredient Nutella Brownies, I Guess
- 1 1/2 cups Nutella
- 2 large eggs
- 1/2 cup flour
I know you’re probably thinking there’s no way these can taste good, and I agree, but you should not care. People would kill to eat a brownie made by your kind hands. Look at you, feeding the world Nutella. You’re perfect!
Preheat the oven to 350 degrees and dance to Ariana Grande like no one is watching while you wait for it to preheat. Mix all ingredients in a large bowl until batter is smooth while you dance to Ariana Grade. Pour batter into a baking pan and smooth it out. Bake for about 15 minutes while continuing to dance to Ariana Grande the whole damn time.
Pinwheels, But Oh My God, Why?
- deli meat (Whatever is cheapest)
- cheese (see above)
- 8 oz. cream cheese (Christ, that’s expensive, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?)
- 1 cup mayo
- 1 tsp dill
- 1 tsp garlic powder
- maybe more spices if you’re ambitious, but seriously, this is already way too much
If you’re really looking to blow your guests out of the water with something other than your incredible good looks, talent, kind heart, and an ass that’s doing something super weird but will not quit, pinwheels are good. In a medium bowl, combine the cheese, mayo, dill, and garlic powder that you don’t need to feed to anyone to prove how fantastic you are.
Cover the tortilla in the delicious but ultimately useless mixture. Layer meat and cheese on top of that futile cream cheese mixture. Roll up the tortilla. Discard the ends, and cut the remaining portion into 6–8 pieces as equal as the way you treat all people regardless of your differences because you are such a good person. Serve to those people who don’t deserve you.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…