How To Literally Attract A Man Using High-Powered Magnets, And Other Foolproof Methods
Dating is rough these days. What with the swiping, the ghosting, and the guys lying about the size of their yurts (45 square feet, my butt). Sometimes it’s enough to make you want to just give up altogether.
But fear not, fellow spinsters. Read on for full-proof ways to attract a man!
Bacon On A String
They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. And what do men’s stomachs love more than bacon? Nothing, that’s what! But men are strong and fleet of foot. One cannot simply hand over a strip of bacon and expect the man to linger. That’s where the box comes in. No, not that box. That comes later. You have to catch him first! I mean a box box. Preferably one propped up with a stick.
Find your target/future lover and hold the bacon up in front of his face. Wave your hand over the crispy meat to gently waft the smoky scent over to his eager nostrils. The man will lunge for the bacon, and you, in turn, must keep it just out of reach. With each lunge, move closer and closer to your box. At the last possible second, hurl the bacon into said box and yell, “Here! Here is bacon!” while simultaneously slamming the box down around your new beau. Slide a sheet of cardboard under everything to make sure he stays put on the ride home.
A Really Big Net
Love often comes when you least expect it. Literally—you could find love just around the corner. Any corner. At any time. So get in the habit of carrying around a giant butterfly net everywhere you go so you’ll never be caught off guard should lightning strike. See a man? Want that man? A few quick swings of the net and he’s yours.
A Well-Trained Sheepdog
Men, bless them, don’t know what they really want. He thinks video games and barbecue ribs are the keys to happiness. But that’s just because he hasn’t met you yet, girl! Give your future hubby the gentle guidance he needs by training a sheepdog to herd him right into your arms. The larger and more aggressive the dog, the better. Heck, get two or three dogs. You can never be too careful when it comes to your love life. Maybe skip a couple feedings so the dogs are extra hungry. Or rub his favorite T-shirt all over their chow so they have an incentive to get bitey when you turn them loose. How could your potential lover refuse? He wouldn’t dare. You’ll be binge-watching The Kissing Booth from his man cave in no time.
A Giant Magnet
First, you’ll need to build up the amount of iron in your bae’s blood. There are multiple ways to accomplish this step, so don’t worry if you aren’t the best cook. Maybe throw half a steak in a bowl of Multi-Grain Cheerios, or try hiding dark leafy greens under fun things like ham and cheese. The man’s simple palate will not be able to discern the difference. If it comes down to it, you could always crush up a bunch of iron supplements and sprinkle a little into his open mouth as he sleeps each night. Get creative! When your man is ripe and full of iron, position a large magnet over his head. The extra iron in his blood will secure him tightly to the magnet. Congratulations, you’ve caught yourself a man!
May you and your man now live happily ever after.