Are Your Small Dogs Plotting To Unionize?
Small dogs are a necessary part of the celebrity life style. If you aren’t constantly being followed by five to ten small dogs how will people know that you can afford to spend thousands of dollars keeping alive a cadre of useless inbred monsters?
Of course your instinct is to dote on your adorable mini-frankensteins. You give them everything they could ever want, from the tastiest vegan dog food, to all the Red Bull they can drink, and yet they are still unsatisfied. Always be sure to keep a close eye on your fluffy Island Of Doctor Moreau rejects. When small dogs become upset they have been known to unionize. This can have grave consequences for their owners. Here are some tips for when you need to figure out if your small dogs are plotting to unionize.
Has their therapist recommended an increase in anxiety medication?
What are you so goddamn anxious about Winnie The Poodle? Sure there are times when it’s perfectly normal for a dog to experience some extra anxiety. However, if you’re in that sweet spot where they just finished recording their album but the tour hasn’t started yet and they’re still looking to double their medication that could be a sign that they’re plotting something.
Have their social cliques recently changed?
Would Tutu and Sprinkles normally never associate with Mr. Beefy but suddenly they’re all pissing on the same Michael Kors bag like best buddies? What looks like a sudden camaraderie between once mortal enemies could actually be a way of swaying poor innocent Mr. Beefy into joining their sinister union plans.
Are they taking excessive potty breaks?
Do they constantly move in and out of the house? Are they really going to the bathroom? Sure it could be innocent; maybe they’re just sniffing a tree. Maybe they’re starring at a dandelion for, like, twelve minutes trying to figure out what the hell it is. Or, maybe they’re meeting with their union rep.
Are they using their dog food to spell out union associated phrases?
Where they once favored words like dope and #swag do they now write arbitration, grievance, or proletariat? These union buzzwords can seem attractive to unknowing small dogs whose brains are underdeveloped due to humanities cruel intervention. They may be easily bamboozled by union promises of shorter amounts of time stuffed into a Birkin bag, and higher quality tennis balls, without understanding that unions ultimately harm America’s most vulnerable citizens, the incredibly rich.
Are they suddenly interested in benefits?
Maybe Coco B. Puffins has just been a little uppity since his sneaker line dropped, or maybe his sudden interest in what you’re offering him is something more. Is he staring at you because he’s thinking about humping your foot? Or is it because he wants at least a fifty percent match on his 401K contributions up to six percent of his salary and he’s not willing to budge?
Has their reading material changed?
If you normally only see Pupkin Spice Latte reading Us Weekly and now she’s suddenly interested in NRLB pamphlets, you’ve got a real problem on your hands. Once union literature starts appearing around your small dogs you’re one step away from a strike and you do not want that. If your small dogs strike how will you tell the world I respect nature so much that I have manipulated it into this horrifying form which I carry with me at all times to display for you?