I thought making my own clothes for an entire month would be a fun social experiment. For the price of a single pair of track pants (around six hundred dollars) I purchased a sewing machine, material, and several cute patterns from my local craft store. I was ready to tackle a whole month of making my own clothes, but what I wasn’t ready for was consistently being mistaken for a scarecrow.
The other day I was at Walmart and someone walked right up to me, said “Oh this is cute,” and put me in their cart. It was so awkward. I ended up riding all the way home with them and letting them install me in their garden. Then I had to walk all the way back to the Walmart and by the time I got there I couldn’t remember what I had come there for in the first place.
Here’s a helpful list of ways you can tell people from scarecrows:
- Scarecrows can’t blink
- Humans have feet
- Scarecrows can’t open their mouths
- Humans have hair that is not made of straw
- Scarecrows have a pole coming out of their genitals
- Some humans do not (no judgment if that’s what you’re into)
Listen, I get it. My sewing skills aren’t the best, and I do like to walk around with both of my arms outstretched to the side. Also I am extremely thin because I don’t trust carbs. Also my small, dark, beady eyes do resemble buttons in a certain light. Still, it doesn’t seem possible that a well-tailored pair of six hundred dollar track pants are the only difference between me and a scarecrow.
I can see one, maybe two people in a month mistaking me for a scarecrow, but this was constant. At my nephews birthday party I was TALKING to my cousin when my sisters husband came up from behind me and said, “what’s this guy doing here, you’re supposed to be in the garden” before picking me up and carrying me away. I WAS AT YOUR WEDDING DOUG. For the rest of the party I was awkwardly shooing birds away from their tomatoes because I didn’t want to make a fuss.
It wasn’t just people who mistook me for a scarecrow either. Birds were especially rude to me. I feel no need to elaborate on this, as we all know how rude birds can be. It was a pretty big bummer because I actually love crows! I don’t want to scare them away at all. I’m just very bad at sewing!
Being Constantly Mistaken For A Scarecrow Is The #1 Source Of My Low Self-Esteem.
It’s not a big deal and I really do hate to bother people, but, my self esteem has really been harmed by this. The other day I went to dinner by myself and even though the waiting room was empty I could not get a table. When I asked the Maitre D what was taking so long, he said, “I’m so sorry miss, the way you were learning up against that wall I mistook you for a festive fall decoration.” He didn’t have to say it I knew he meant scarecrow. At least he was polite enough to seat me once I started talking. Yet the night ended where so many of my nights have lately, in an empty field, when the waiter put me out back in the restaurants organic garden instead of serving me dinner.
All in all I would have to call the experiment a failure. Did I save a ton of money on clothes? Yes. However, when you factor in the added labor, the doctors bills for the pneumonia I got from being left outside in the cold so much, and the years of scarecrow related therapy I’m going to need, I think I probably just about broke even.