Gender Reveal Party Ideas So Good That Everyone Will Be Talking About Your Baby’s Genitals For Months
So you want to announce the gender of your unborn child, and you want that announcement to be as garish as possible. We totally get you. But how do you make your gender reveal party stand out amidst balloons, confetti, piñatas, and cupcakes? You have to think big — as big as the belly that’s about to burst with your adorable little boy or girl. Give one of our ideas a whirl, and we guarantee that your friends and family won’t be able to stop talking about your little one’s genitals!
The Baby Grenade
Fire in the heart, and the hole! Did you know that with a few hours of careful DIY work you can modify a wide variety of fragmentation grenades to expel a colored gas alongside their deadly shards? While other couples are settling for a mere cake-slicing event, your party guests can guess what color smoke will drift over the make – shift trench in which you’ve all taken cover.
Now sure, there’s a lot of tedious paperwork to fill out before you can own a grenade, and sure, one wrong move during the modification or implementation could end your life, and sure, this might all create a host of serious “legal issues.” But raising a child is a commitment, and what better way to prove that commitment than by risking your own life, and the life of countless others, before your little one is even out of the womb?
The Father’s Hunt
Many gender reveal parties take place indoors. But why stay cooped up inside when nature—i.e life (the very thing you’ve gathered your friends and family together to celebrate) is so close at hand? So get out there! And we mean way out there to a remote campground where you and your loved ones can truly appreciate the majesty of Mother Earth while you release a captured stag and doe with respective blue and pink ribbons around their necks into the wilderness.
Then, while mom wows everyone with hors d’oeuvres and custom cocktails (being outside isn’t an excuse to be uncivilized!), dad will enter the woods with only the body and mind that nature gave him. Eventually he’ll return—perhaps in a few hours, perhaps a few days—tired, filthy, and bloody, but with the severed head of the appropriate deer held triumphantly aloft to signal the sex of his progeny. With him also will be the heart and sex organs of the defeated animal, which mom will devour raw to infuse her unborn child with the strength of the natural world. And bonus: No house party means no post-party cleanup!
The Bonus Baby
What better way to celebrate a baby than with a baby? Trotting out a tot will delight all of your guests, especially once you reveal that the gender of the baby they’ve been playing with matches the gender of the baby they can expect to meet in a few weeks. You may be wondering how you can acquire a little bundle of joy when you haven’t yet given birth to one, to which we’ll simply note that many daycare services have surprisingly lax security. We won’t tell if you won’t!
Some gender reveal parties up the stakes with some friendly bets. Does old Aunt Abigail expect a girl because of the shape of your baby bump, but your college roommate is thinking “boy,” because you conceived using a position that Cosmo says is a “masculine” one? Make them put their money where their mouth is! Suggest a modest amount of cash per guest, perhaps 20 dollars, with the losers seeing their money put towards diapers, clothes, and other childhood necessities.
As for the money of the winners, invest it in a fund that can only be accessed when the last among them dies — including your child. As your child grows into adulthood, the pain of watching friends and family succumb to the ravages of age will be lessened by the knowledge that, with every death, they grow closer to buying that new PlayStation. And while it’s unlikely that anyone in your social circle will ever grow so financially desperate that they’ll feel compelled to murder their younger rival, the possibility will be juuust real enough in the back of your child’s mind to inspire constant vigilance.