Mark has written for Cracked, the Modern Rogue, McSweeney's Internet Tendency, the Atlantic, Motherboard, the Daily Dot, and a bunch of other places that he can't remember off the top of his head. He also writes most of the nation's grocery lists.
How To Make The Perfect Fried Rice—And I Mean Perfect
So you want to learn how to make my perfect fried rice? Of course you do. My perfect fried rice is nirvana incarnate. It’s made grown men weep. Asking someone if they want my fried rice recipe is like asking someone if they want to glimpse the face of God. Who’s going to say no? […]
How To Use Healing Crystals To Cure Your Cancer (Maybe? Don’t Quote Us)
There’s no denying that healing crystals have incredible power.1 But just how far does this power go? We’ve used and endorsed crystals to cure headaches, colds, and other common aliments,2 but today we’re here to tell you that, when applied correctly, crystals can do so much more.3 They can even help you overcome cancer, as […]
Do I Still Have To Have My Dick Out For Harambe?
Hey, so, this is kind of a weird question, but do I still have to have my dick out for Harambe? I’ve had it out all this time, but is that a thing we’re all still doing? Or did we accomplish … uh, whatever it was we were trying to accomplish? It was awareness for […]
I Lived Off Food Stamps For A Week And Now I’m Spearheading A Communist Revolution
Did you know that an estimated 42.6 million Americans are on food stamps? That’s crazy, right? We often ignore the struggles of this significant segment of American society, so I decided to live on the budget of an average food stamp-recipient for one whole week. My assumption was that, by living like a poor person […]
I Unplugged For Two And A Half Hours And Now I’m An Objectively Better Person Than You
I was like you, once. Obsessed with my online reputation, getting into pointless arguments on Twitter, refreshing my news feeds every five seconds. I was wasting my life away, one click at a time. But then I stepped away from the Internet for a while and taught myself an important lesson about what really matters […]
Gender Reveal Party Ideas So Good That Everyone Will Be Talking About Your Baby’s Genitals For Months
So you want to announce the gender of your unborn child, and you want that announcement to be as garish as possible. We totally get you. But how do you make your gender reveal party stand out amidst balloons, confetti, piñatas, and cupcakes? You have to think big — as big as the belly that’s about […]
Living Off The Grid Is Super Healthy If You’re Already Lucky Enough To Be Healthy
I freed myself from the trappings of modernity to live amongst nature, and it was the healthiest decision I ever made. Here, in my simple cabin in the woods, the wilderness is my antidepressant, the herbs I grow are my medication, and my nagging cough is trivial compared to the majestic beauty that surrounds me […]
Anyone Can Travel The World And Blog Just Like Me!
Do you long to see the world, but are stuck in a job that’s sucking the life out of you? Do you vacillate between looking at pictures of Bali and praying for the sweet release of death? I was like you once. But now instead of working to travel, I travel to work. And today, […]
From The Archives: Bunny Ears Explains How To Deal With The Vapours
A rare and delightful treat from the Bunny Ears Archive!
Meet Our New Au Pair, The Goblin King
Finding an au pair you can trust with your child is no small task. But we’ve come across a winner, and we want to share him with you!
What To See in Asia If You’re Pressed For Time And Only Interested In Bragging on Social Media
So, you’ve been given the exciting opportunity to travel to Asia, huh? Congratulations! But let us guess—your time there is limited, and you’re unsure of what sights and experiences you should prioritize so you can score some sick social media pics. That’s understandable, because Asia is huge! It has over five countries, and they all […]
These Stories Are So Spiritually Inspirational That We Couldn’t Bring Ourselves To Fact Check Them
We all need a dose of inspiration now and then, and nothing helps us continue to live life to the fullest like epic inspirational stories of someone absolutely rocking their spiritual side. These particular stories inspired us so much that we couldn’t face it if we found out they weren’t true, so we didn’t bother to […]
How To Raise Your Child With Only What Nature Provides
Raising a child is arguably harder than it’s ever been. The modern world contains countless dangers that can stunt a child’s development, from processed foods to television to vaccines. And the cost of finding safe alternatives can add up in a hurry—but don’t despair! We’re here to explain how you can affordably raise your child […]
Climate Change Is Causing Men To Rain At An Unsustainable Rate
We’ve ignored this for too long.
What’s All This Then: Bunny Ears Determines That Free Will Is A Lie
Bunny Ears knows that your quest for spiritual wellness takes many forms. During the day you may just need to know how much flaxseed to add to your oatmeal to get you through that staff meeting. But at night you’re haunted by bigger questions: Why are we here? Where are we going? Or, as we […]
Oh No, The Dog With A Blog Pivoted To Video And Is A ‘Breed Realist’ Now
He has some deeply uncomfortable things to say about Anatolian Shepherds on YouTube.
How To Channel The Energy Of The Child Workers And Dead Birds Trapped In Your Healing Crystals
Hello, crystal fans! If you’ve been keeping up with my column, Crystal Chronicles, then by now you’ve heard the bad news: some of our beloved healing crystals are being sourced from mines with lax labor and environmental laws. In the Democratic Republic of the Congo, children as young as seven work in mines. In Myanmar, […]
We Talked To Some Unsuccessful, But Very Spiritual People About Their Work Habits
Do you find it hard to stay motivated in both your professional life and your spiritual one? Don’t despair! We asked some of the most spiritual people we could find to tell us how they find that all-important balance, and we think you’ll find their answers… enlightening. Krystal, 27 (Yoga Instructor) “Yoga is obviously extremely […]
I Empathize With Women Who Experience Ovipositor Pain Or Whatever
I think the single most frustrating part of being a woman must be when men don’t take you seriously. As I was explaining to my sister the other day, this problem springs from a refusal to listen to and understand women’s issues. But as a strong male ally, I always completely get what women are […]
The Quest For The Crystal! An Interactive Wellness Adventure
Oh boy, I hope I get to lick a doorknob!
How To Win The Social Media “Most Wounded Person” Award
Despondence and self-loathing suck, but what sucks even more is not profiting from yours. How often have you been on Facebook or Twitter, complaining that your life is a bleak pit of despair, only for someone to come along and mention that, in addition to their near unspeakable level of existential malaise, their cat just […]
Science Says Intelligent People Have Bad Habits, So I’m Clearly A Genius
I forgot to pay a parking ticket because it was buried under greasy KFC boxes and dead spiders on my desk.
We Revisited ‘Romeo And Juliet,’ And It’s Honestly Kind Of Problematic
The people of 1597 should be ashamed.
Tackle Little Tasks So You Can Focus On The Big, Haunting Problems
Like, “What am I even doing with my life?”
Absolute Must-Have Horoscope #SquadsGoals (Finally In One Place)!
Horoscope squads, assemble! While every horoscope sign is unique, there’s no denying that some traits overlap and form some seriously awesome squads! Study up, figure out the traits that you have in common, and learn how to slay your way through the month of May, bae! The Most Likely To Fake a Sick Day Squad: […]
What Your Home Says About You And What We’re Going To Steal From It
Take this handy quiz!
Macaulay Culkin Hired A Book Curator To Help Him Collect All 7 ‘Harry Potter’ Books
‘They represent over half of all books known to exist.’
FOLLOW UP: The Best Way To Remove Porcupine Quills From Your Urethra
We’ve admittedly been getting a LOT of questions.
Rory Culkin’s New Website Is An Abomination And Also Our Biggest Rival
Rory can’t be trusted.
Coat Your Dick In Wax, Just Like Ryan Gosling Does (Possibly)
It’s trending on Twitter, so we’re gonna say it’s true.
Our Vague Personality Test Will Flatter You Even More Than Other Quizzes
It’s only nine questions!
FACT CHECK: We’ve Only Killed Dozens Of People, Not Hundreds
We’re tired of the slander.
Our Staff Medium Glimpsed The Afterlife, And Honestly It’s Hot Garbage
We don’t recommend dying anytime soon.
Has ‘Mario Kart’ Contributed To Climate Change?
We’re asking the hard questions—because someone has to.
You Can Buy Culkin Cheddar As Long As You Don’t Ask Where It Comes From
Just try not to think too hard about it!
Uh Oh, Duolingo Wants Us To Learn “The Speech Of The Owl God”
It’s also calling each new challenge “mandated knowledge”?
Adult Diaper Play The Eco-Friendly Way With Reusable Diapers
Adult diaper play is nothing to be ashamed of…but abusing the earth IS.