As we shield ourselves from the radioactive fallout that has blanketed our homes, I would like to take a minute to apologize for my role in unleashing the great blight that has spread across this land. Believe me, I only wanted to let my family, my friends, and several million strangers know what gender stereotypes my spouse and I felt the need to arbitrarily lock our baby into. We were as surprised by the triggering of all those seismic sensors as you were.
We certainly didn’t assume that we had anything to do with it. Sure, the concussive blast of our reveal shattered a few eardrums, but my family and our guests had sheltered ourselves safely in the gender observation bunker, and at the time, it didn’t seem any worse than what you’d experience at a rock concert. What can I say? I majored in economics, not nuclear science.
But let’s try to be reasonable. Was my reveal party too extreme? I am willing to entertain that it was. Did it poison your water source? My lawyer tells me that that’s a possibility, but come on, when’s the last time you had your water source tested? Couldn’t it have been like that for a while? Bunch of water experts everywhere all of a sudden, huh?
Did my reveal cause “incredible stress and suffering”? Yeah, right, like you weren’t stressed out by modern life already. Nice try passing the buck, pal. I’m bracing myself for months of 2:00 A.M. feedings, so get a little perspective already, childless people. I mean people who are childless by choice, of course. Whether you can’t conceive or lost someone during the incident, you have my condolences.
And yes, maybe I “contributed to the seemingly already irreversible climate change problem at a staggeringly ignorant rate,” to quote a frankly judgmental Times piece, but I’ve seen the cars you people drive when you go to what used to be the 7-Eleven down the block twice in an hour. You’re not innocent here, either. And please, there’s no need for name-calling. Could an ignorant person have made an explosion that large? Of course not. An ignorant person would be manufacturing some sort of spear-and-rock-based gender reveal party with the rest of the Neanderthals. I’m sorry that my love is boundlessly inventive.
Let’s try to focus on the positives. Maybe you haven’t had time to read the latest news in between scavenging for supplies and fortifying your encampment, so I’ll be the one to tell you: Raids are already down 80%, and authorities consider them to now be “largely under control in most areas.” So now we know that we’re a nation that can handle some light to moderate raiding. That’s good, right? I’m also told that the reveal could even be seen from space, at least until the space station was knocked out of orbit. So that’s pretty cool. And let’s be real, I’ve exposed several key security flaws in our nation’s military infrastructure, and I think it’s for the best that they were exploited by a loving father rather than someone with more hateful designs. They’ll no doubt be patched up in due time, and you’re welcome for that.
I do admit that I could have handled all this better, but I’m the sort of person who chooses to seek forgiveness rather than ask for permission, and I intend to raise my child to be similarly daring. I am sorry, and I hope you will forgive me, but what’s most important is that you all join me in welcoming little Taylor into the world. My child is blameless in this, and I hope Taylor is treated accordingly. Oh, and many of you have commented that the overwhelming cloud of acrid black smoke hid the results of the reveal! We’re sorry to disappoint on that front, but we do have a second, more modest gender reveal party planned to be held right here in the undisclosed secure location where I find myself under house arrest (most prisons are apparently still under “prisoner law,” and police sieges are slow business—talk about a break for me). It will be held alongside our new and innovative “expected mutations reveal” just as soon as we hear back from the doctor.