The Best Apple Pie Recipe Given I Fucking Hate Apples
Ah, Fall. In Upstate New York there isn’t much to look forward to the rest of the year. Our winters are bleak and freezing, and summers are muggy and gross. But we do one thing better than anywhere else: apples.
So many apples. We even have apple festivals. Oh, boy. You have not lived until you’ve gone to the Ithaca Apple Festival, where you can get apple pie, apple juice, and um, like, just a bag of apples, I guess? The inbred mountain folk carnies who run the fair are way more fun to buy from than the supermarket, where you can buy the same apples for less money and also less creepiness from the townies.
You can even go apple picking, too. So fun. You barely have to pay extra to go get them off the tree yourself.
Apples are a symbol of America and also New York and other stuff too for some reason.
Okay, so, here we go. Making an apple pie. You just need apples, sugar, and the stuff for pie. Cut up the apples and put them in the frozen pie crust you bought. Oh, and probably turn the oven on. Everything you bake is always 350F for some reason so I wouldn’t sweat the details there.
SIDEBAR: Okay I realize it may seem like I am phoning this in. And look, I know this would not be the first time I gave up on an assignment halfway through. But Mack enjoys one fucking sippy-cup of apple juice and suddenly some poor writer at Bunny Ears has to write a fucking ode to the world’s worst fruit?
That’s right. I said it. Apples are the worst fruit.
Here, off the top of my head, is a short, alphabetical list of fruits I would rather have than apple:
Apricot, Banana, Blackberry, Blueberry, Cherry, Cherimoya, Clementine, Coconut, Cranberry, Date, Dragonfruit, Durian, Elderberry, Fig, Goji berry, Gooseberry, Grape, Grapefruit, Guava, Huckleberry, Jackfruit, Juniper Berry, Kiwi, Kumquat, Lemon, Lime, Loquat, Lychee, Mango, Melon (except honeydew), Mulberry, Nectarine, Orange, Papaya, Passionfruit, Peach, Pear, Persimmon, Plantain, Plum, Pineapple, Pomegranate, Quince, Raspberry, Rambutan, Star fruit, Strawberry, Tamarind, Tangerine, Yuzu.
The following are the only fruits worse than apples: currants, honeydew.
BACK TO THE PIE: apple pie is literally just apples, sugar and pie, so put it in the oven until it smells like pie. Meanwhile, here are the top ten reasons apples fucking suck:
1. Most of them are mealy and brown and filled with worms and you can’t tell until you’ve already taken a big miserable bite of them. FACT: Even a relatively good apple will brown within one second of the first bite you take of it.
2. They give me a tummy ache if I eat them on an empty tummy.
3. Apple pie is one of the worst pies. The Apple Lobby has conned you into thinking otherwise by putting fancy pie crust lattices on top of them. In reality apple pies are not as good as cherry pies, peach cobbler, banana cream, key lime, or even meringue. And did you know people melt cheese on apple pie? This is the move of a desperate person who is out of ideas about how to make their pie not suck. Just melting a bunch of cheese on something is the culinary equivalent of apologizing to your partner via sky-writing. Yes it gets the job done, but it is messy, wasteful, expensive, and lazy. The point here is fuck apple pie.
4. In Number 3, I had to say “Apple Lobby” because “Big Apple” is already taken.
5. Apple seeds are basically made out of sugar and cyanide. This is true. Look it up.
6. Your belief that apples are good is the result of a rather obvious propaganda campaign. Anything called “red delicious” should make you very suspect of whether it in fact is. And if someone tells you that daily consumption of their product will obviate the need to see a medical professional ever, run.
7. Just, like, FYI, while Johnny Appleseed was going around planting apples, he was also converting Native Americans to a random Swedish sect of Christianity and unwittingly planting an invasive toxic herb called dogfennel all over the place. His apples were also non-edible and only suitable for cider, but I guess that’s actually kinda dope.
8. Adam and Eve didn’t eat an apple. That’s just the result of a translation error. Apples are not special. Fuck apples.
9. Giving your hot teacher an apple will do nothing and they will not fuck you.
10. Because people think they like apples despite the fact that apples are actually bad, apples therefore constantly remind me about the weakness of humanity and the limits of our autonomy, and that’s sad.
In conclusion, apples are for shooting off your child’s head, not eating.