I Drank Raw Water From My A.C. And I Feel Like A New Woman
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I Drank Raw Water From My A.C. And I Feel Like A New Woman

raw water

Along with stem cell facials, human blood bags, and not letting your workers unionize, raw water is all the rage in Silicon Valley. But what do you do if there are no natural springs or rivers near your home? I have found the perfect solution to this problem. I discovered a naturally occurring water source right in my own home! I drank from the beautiful waterfall behind my portable air conditioning unit, and now I feel like a new woman.

I’ll admit, I was skeptical of the raw water craze at first. But water filtration—like vaccines, pasteurization, and showering—is very bad for you. We don’t need to filter water because rivers and streams have their own natural filtration system. (And that system is bear poop.) So when I discovered a naturally occurring water source on my hardwood floors, I was thrilled! I drank it aaaaaall up. I feel very refreshed and lightheadedddd. Fancy free, just like our caveman ancestors who drank raw water and died at 35. We should emulate them as much as possible. My raw A.C. water is so great, my intestines are already expelling all the toxic things in my body. Did I mention I feel like a new woman? My memory’s a little new woman feeling her fantasy. Fuzzy. New woman.

raw waterRawwww water Raw water is great. And I’m so lucky to have it right in my own home. Drinking raw water from my A.C. also helped me with the rest of my raw food diet, because I can’t taste food anymore. I can’t even tell if the chicken I just ate was cooked or not because everything tastes like the purple Grimace. Did you just see a flash of light? I just saw a flash of light. I forgot my pants. I’m just wearing a cap and shirt. I’m the Donald Duck of raw water.

Now that I only drink air conditioner water, my body is cleansed of toxins, pipe lead, and whatever chemicals are in those plastic water bottles. I feel so different. It’s like there are two separate people: me before drinking raw water from my A.C. and me after drinking raw water from my A.C. Everything is organic and fresh and Freon antifreeze yum yum carbon monoxide. b b b b b b x I think my A.C. unit sucked up a bug once so that’s like protein. Feel like I ate all the balloons.

raw water
Sassy horse

Now that I drank raw water from my A.C., I thorough cleanse crystals tyxx xoxo hjkl sjzns fd falaxis The classiest man meats all love my 22 22 2 22 222 2  for Spiritual essence of raw water is perfect for summer. Unconventional turtle sex in the s t r e a m s. Whoosh whoosh Do I smell hospital? Yes. Agree fully with all of horse twitter. bbbxxxnnnsd485y8 92 djxk cockroach milk. Do the cockroaches like? Oh my god, distinguished squid essence. TaKE a bathhhhh i am not emo i’m scene. Raw air conditioner water Dearis Doll. Guuurrlll That Outfit Is AN HSV-TOOT! Pompeii*

Drip. Drip. Drip of the conditioned air. I will never be the same. I have found where the snake’s butt is. Sometimes you just have to cleanse your lifeblood.

*Dog flaps

Hana Michels
Hana Michels

Author - Hana - Editor - Warrior

Hana Michels has written for The Hard Times, Funny Or Die, McSweeney's, Shout Factory, Splitsider and others because her parents are therapists.

5 Comments
  1. I enjoyed the piece, and I cringe slightly at being one of those nitpicky people, but AC water is just from the condensers and doesn’t contain any freon, unless you have a freon leak in your unit, in which case it wouldn’t be cooling the air very well. It is just water condensed from the air, so would have similar purity to distilled water, except for any dust and dirt that may have accumulated around the copper pipes. In the event of a fresh water shortage, in hot and humid areas, such a method may be viable means of producing potable water, Tatooine moisture farmer style.

  2. although my twin feline friends discovered it first, we 3 usually settle down by the west end of our cottage, to the left of the digitalis cluster and take turns lapping up the drip drip drippins from the condensation pipe. so you are probably NOT the first in your household to discvover the grainy jeweled juice that collects by the unit. give your furry friends the credit due. otherwise i thank you for sharing this great survival tip

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