A Beginner’s Guide To Indoor Plants
Welcome to The Beginner’s Guide to [Blank], our recurring series where our experts provide everything you need to know about your new endeavor, regardless of what it is. Life is full of exciting opportunities, and while it’s fine to tackle a new adventure on your own, we here at Bunny Ears know that it’s better to have an experienced guide to help on your journey.
This week we’ll be taking you through:
The Beginner’s Guide To Indoor Plants
Thank you for clicking on this “Beginner’s Guide to Indoor Plants.” Remember: you are not alone, and depression is treatable. If you are seriously considering suicide, please click here: suicidepreventionlifeline.org
Everybody knows that indoor plants help with the kind of regular, clinical depression that most of us deal with every day, whether we admit it and deal with it with drugs and yoga, or are in denial about it and just act like assholes.
While the science is still out on whether they can have a strong impact on the kind of visceral suicidal depression that drags you into the shadows and makes life literally unbearable, we here at Bunny Ears believe that indoor plants might in fact be a fantastic way to help you not kill yourself, at least for a while.
Indoor plants purify the air, vibrant up the mood, and keep you on a schedule that marks the seasons. Some have theorized that it may even be possible to not kill your indoor plant for as long as a a few years, and not killing something you love is basically the opposite of clinical depression we guess.
So here we go. The Official Bunny Ears Beginner’s Guide to killing an indoor plant instead of yourself…
STEP ONE: GO BUY THE PLANT
This also means you need to buy a pot to plant it in, with a hole in the bottom. Plants want water to soak them and drain through, much in the same way that whatever feelings of self worth you have want to wash right through you, leaving you dry and unloved.
You also need to buy a dish to collect that water, and don’t forget soil and fertilizer. Buying a plant is actually very expensive, which may motivate you to work harder at your job. Remember though, that no matter how successful you are at capitalism, that will have zero actual impact on whether or not you feel whole or whether or not you want to kill yourself.
STEP TWO: PLANT YOUR PLANT
Do you have literally anywhere to do this outside? Like even the street? Because this is messy. Soil will get everywhere. It’s like your life, messy and covered in tiny bugs and worms.
Also, be cognizant that moving your plant from one container to another will traumatize it and make it wilt and look sickly for a few days, just like you do when you try to get out of bed in the morning.
STEP THREE: WATER YOUR PLANT
Pause. Look, you’ve already come really far. You should congratulate yourself. You left the house, you bought a life, you put it in a pot. You are doing it. This being a human adult. Okay?
Okay, so watering your plant is chaos, and a good reminder that existence is meaningless and absurd. There is literally no way to tell if and when your plant needs water and how much. It will be too dry or it will be too wet. This isn’t science, regardless of what “botanists” say. This is fucking metaphysics. No matter how much water you pour into a pot, it will overflow the dish you bought and get on your floor and ruin your floor and all your things.
STEP FOUR: DEAL WITH DISEASE
Your plant will get sick. Probably from too much water or not enough water (see step three above), but even if you do this right it will probably just get fungus or bugs and it’s definitely your fault, causing you to question every life choice you’ve ever made up to and including investing so much time, money, and energy into this plant.
Like, this thing has been evolving for millions of fucking years to survive, and yet it’s barely within my power to keep it alive for three weeks. So how am I expected to keep alive a writing career, Dr. Feldstein? Do you have a Daily Om for that? Fuck you, Dr. Feldstein. Fuck you.
STEP FIVE: “ENJOY” YOUR PLANT
Okay, so maybe having a plant won’t make you feel less alone. And maybe having a plant doesn’t really feel like “cultivating a life” so much as “imprisoning an inanimate disappointment.” But hey, you did something – you killed a plant – and that’s more than you do most days!
Next up, why not try a pet? Start small. Accidentally killing a hamster is a great way to distract yourself from crippling social anxiety, maybe. But also seriously, since I know you are depressed because you just read an entire article about plants, remember that depression is super common and its effects can be mitigated with treatment. If you aren’t ready to seek professional help yet, click here for further reading that might help motivate you.
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