Who Knew ‘NWO 4 Life’ Would Mean Scrubbing Buff Bagwell’s Toilets For Life
Buff Bagwell strolls in the room, hitting poses for no one and muttering about “The Stuff.” It’s twenty years after the height of the NWO. And I’m locked in this house that Buff built – 4 life.
The last 20 years in captivity I have cleaned toilets after Scott Steiner’s massive and weird colored shits, found that right combination of Borax and bleach to make Buff’s white jean overalls glow on TV, not to mention picked up after Eric Bischoff’s visited (because to him the whole world is his personal garbage can). I no longer miss the sky because I don’t even remember what it looks like.
How It Happened
I often think back to the night that got me here in the first place. September 1998; Fall Brawl. Front row. I wanted to feel the sweat on my face as my heroes open hand chopped each other in the ring. It was fan-tas-tic! I saw Jericho wrestle Fake-Goldberg, Saturn free The Flock from Raven’s devious grasp, and I saw the NWO, the greatest game-changing faction in the history of wrestling, in all its glory. I cheered, I laughed, I chanted. And then I accidentally entered into a legally binding contract with the WCW, NWO, and Marcus “Buff” Bagwell by yelling “NWO FOR LIFE” 87 times and doing that hand gesture thing.
Pictured: Not Me.
I had a brief flirtation with joy when WWE bought WCW and it contracts, but I was only given the choice to stay with Buff or go to Stamford, Connecticut, to work for the McMahon family. The thought of breathing fresh air if only while traveling almost won me over, but in the end, I decided to stay with the devil I know. I was his, 4 life (his life or mine, whichever came first).
The only thing I’m allowed to watch is wrestling. I get my world news by small comments made by color commentators between matches. Who would think that some rich dude who took a Stone Cold Stunner is now the leader of the free world? Or that the kid who ran out wearing Warrior-esque streamers would be one of the top box office earners on the planet?
Sometimes certain mixtures of cleaning chemicals dull my senses enough that I forget where I am for a few hours. Flashes of people from my pre-NWO for Life servitude remind me that I was probably loved at some point. Then I get drop kicked back to reality and continue scrubbing black spray paint off the walls.
Lately, I’ve been dreaming of the perfect cleaning supply combination that would KO me 4 Life, and I think I’m finally ready. I got to see the first women’s main event at WrestleMania. I got to see them go from being a piece of eye candy, escorting men to the ring, to headlining the biggest sporting event of the year, so I can at least go out on a high note.