The Psychic Life-Hack That’ll Change How You Go To The Dentist

Sea ancestors, today I’d like to tell you a life-changing story. It happened to me in Phoenix about a month ago after one of my many spiritual seminars to which tickets are available online or at any of my roadside meditation kiosks. After this particular gathering, I was struck in the jaw with a tire iron. Never mind why, but I would like to remind people that a very clearly worded “refunds and recourse” section is printed on the back of every seminar ticket. In any event, my tooth was chipped.

Being well aware of the great lies that infect the medical community (if vaccines are so safe, then why do they never let me take a vial home for inspection?), going to the dentist was the last thing I wanted to do. Luckily, one of my level-6 vestigial followers told me about an alternate treatment in the area.

It was called “psychic dentistry.”

I understand that the word “psychic” naturally invokes images of palm-reading hucksters and celebrity-clinging gurus who only want your money. But as a trusted and certified* medical healer/guru I can assure you that, in this case, “psychic” is just another word for “natural intuition.” The kind of gut feeling that every species possesses, like when dogs sense earthquakes ahead of time, or how giraffes know when you’re going to have an orgasm before you do.

Human beings are naturally gifted with a dental intuition that’s been suppressed by modern medical practices.

Believe me, I was skeptical too. But not only did Dr. Smith repair my broken tooth, he also identified several teeth with negative auras surrounding them. After removing those teeth, I never got a cavity in the area again. And best of all, unlike regular dentists, psychic or “intuitive” dentistry doesn’t require the elite “dental school” gatekeeping that toxifies the industry. After a single professional consultation and a one-time equipment purchase, anyone can practice it. This is why I’ve decided to open up an entirely new branch of the Church Of False-Vestigially devoted to teaching intuitive dentistry— even selling a state-of-the-art all-in-one kit for your oral maintenance needs.

So what can psychic dentistry do for you? Well, obviously, casually focusing on each individual tooth-aura for five minutes per tooth, per day will greatly reduce enamel erosion. But with enough time and practice, you can also perform such tasks as:

• Straightening teeth.
• Changing silver fillings into gold fillings.
• Predicting future cavities.
• Stopping a man’s heart just by focusing on his “death tooth.”

Every human being is born with a secret death tooth.

What do you have to lose, besides hours spent in some mouth-liar’s waiting room? Visit any one of my new roadside oral wellness audit huts, fill out a quick and easy release of liability form, and get a freeish evaluation of your dental intuition levels. Then you can start shooting your gums with the Nartec-brand all-natural oral novocaine substitute today! Hurry now, before Big Dental tries to shut us down!

May your aura protect the secret of your death tooth,

“Dr.” Guru King Nartec Jeff Roberts Leader Of The Church Of False-Vestigially

*not certified

Images: Photo by Yingpis Kalayom on Unsplash, bagaball, Irina Polikanova, Anagoria/Wikimedia