Places To Poop While They’re Renovating Your Bathroom, Ranked!
Home bathroom renovations can be a huge hassle. Whether you’re dealing with contractors or just a do-it-yourself project, you’re going to be spending a lot of time without your poop nook (what the heck is grout, and why does it need 48 hours to set anyway?). So here’s a handy list of the best places to poop when you need an alternate locale.
5. Your Neighbor’s House
What’s the point of doing bathroom renovations if you can’t brag to the neighbors about it? Just knock on the door and ask the Whitmore’s if you can borrow a cup of sugar for a recipe. Next, casually mention how you’re re-doing your bathroom and how you’re going to use their toilet. The key phrase to drop here is, “I’m sure you understand.” If they don’t, ask them for an obscure spice like star anise while they’re getting your sugar. That’ll have them searching the cupboards long enough for you to sneak off and defile their master bathroom. It’s a dumping double whammy!
4. The Elementary School Down the Street
You don’t even need to have kids for this one to work! Just make up any kid’s name and say you’re there to pick them up for a doctor’s appointment. Pick a name with multiple possible spellings if you can (Megan works great). While the receptionist scrambles to find the child in the school database, you can skip down the hall and unload in the teacher’s lounge.
3. Directly into the Kitchen Trash Can
The garbage needed taking out anyway, so might as well get that colon-lengthening squatty potty magic goin’ before you do it. Better yet, leave your “trash topper” for your partner to find as a fun practical joke. “Welcome home, honey! I left you a present in the kitchen.” Classic.
2. A Container in the Vitamin Shoppe
Shane behind the counter says they “don’t have a bathroom here,” but Shane can’t see the forest for the trees. Tell Shane that there’s a “toddler” in aisle three who “got into some creatine powder.” Then, while Shane frantically runs for help, you can take your time and pick a supplement tub to shit in. They’re all odor-proof and sealable by design, so there’s no wrong choice here. Find the powder flavor that speaks to you most, and add your own “supplement.”
1. Hanging Out That Street-Facing Bay Window
These architectural accents make for an ideal impromptu commode, and there’s nothing quite like the freedom of answering nature’s call in full view of acquaintances and loved-ones alike. It’s your property, and you can shit where you want to (just like that song). Plus, you can wipe with the muslin curtains—you know, the ones your wife bought special. Think you can go back to ordinary toilet paper after swabbing your nethers with the softest of cottons? Think again.
There you have it! The best places to poop during a home renovation. Let us know if there’s any we missed.