Improve Your Child’s Immunity By Coughing In Her Face
One of the biggest challenges a parent will face is that treacherous hydra: germs. Since we obviously don’t endorse vaccination because it turns your children into Republicans, we have to build children’s immunity the old-fashioned way. That’s right: Like a mother bird feeding its hungry young, you are going to inject immunity right in your sweet baby’s face by coughing on it.
The first step in home-improving your baby’s immunity system is to get super sick yourself. There are a variety of ways to do this, from disguising yourself as a toddler and sneaking into a daycare to inhaling the air on a public bus during flu season. If you can ditch the baby for a day, Disneyland is also a fantastic place to pick up anything from measles to the Zika virus with a side of churros.
If travel is out of the question due to your busy career, now is the perfect time to finally start that spicy office affair. Just pick whichever coworker seems to be coughing every 14 seconds. (It’s usually Andrew.) As soon as that sore throat sets in, you’re ready for phase two.
Thanks to your parental bonding with your child, you may find yourself initially disgusted by the idea of coughing into your baby’s face. “That’s a baby,” you’ll probably say. “It can’t possibly deserve this.” Look, your child is, of course, your precious angel. But they are, like any human child born since the dawn of our species, also super gross. If he or she is older than eight hours, you have been puked, shit, and peed on. Of course, as a doting parent, you accept this abuse, but let’s be honest—it does mean your baby is kind of a jerk, and it’s absolutely fine to infect jerks with scarlet fever or whatever you picked up from Andrew.
Naturally, you’re going to want to be discreet. Not everyone in the world understands that natural methods are best. Coughing in your baby’s face in private is simple, but what if there’s a sick person at the supermarket who has vital germs for your baby? First, of course, you’ll need to walk through the mist of the sick person’s horking. Make sure to breathe deeply to fully absorb their germs like you’re hoovering up future health. Then, snort a little white pepper up your nose and “accidentally” sneeze directly into your baby’s stroller. Voila! Using the bizarre powerlessness of human control over sneezing, you have made your baby safe from tuberculosis, probably.
If you’re still uncomfortable with coughing into your baby’s face, there are a variety of alternate methods of getting your germs into their systems. You can, for example, lick all your children’s toys, spit into their dessert, or cough on your family dog and then let the dog cough on your child. The sky’s the limit. There’s no wrong way to infect your child!
If your child is older and still sickly as a Victorian waif, you have some extra work to do. Coughing in a school-age child’s face simply isn’t going to pass muster because, obviously, they can talk now. Instead, get yourself sick, and bribe your child into skipping school and watching Pixar movies. What kid could resist? They’re still pretty dumb at this point!
As you cuddle on the couch, a germ-ridden bowl of pretzels between you, feel proud. Your child will think you do this because you love them, but they’ll never realize how right they are. You love them enough to give them type B influenza so they can survive in a cruel world.
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