Sex Tips Your Husband Wanted Us To Pass Along … If That’s Cool
When it comes to sex, if you’re having fun, you’re doing it right. It’s that simple. But if you need a little help getting the ball rollin’, and your partner ballin’, you’ve come to the right place. Here’s a list of saucy sex tips we’re sure will get you shagging between those sheets. And, full disclosure, your husband’s the one who shared them with us.
Okay, okay, before you freak out, we just thought he could use the help. As he tells it, he’s tried everything he could think of to pass these along. Sending emails to your therapist. Passive aggressive little comments when you’re just out of earshot. Just staring at you and assuming you know what he’s thinking. Honestly, what was he supposed to do, just come out and talk to you about it? Not with the way he was raised! So here’s a few sex tips he’d really like you to consider, but not ever bring up, because that would be weird, right?
Use Your Mouth More
Okay, so we’re not 100% sure where he wants you to use your mouth more because that’s all he gave us on this one. But we can assume he means on his body, and most specifically, penis? But who knows? Just try putting your mouth a bunch of places and see what happens. And, again, we’re very sorry. This is an uncomfortable situation for all of us.
More, Or Possibly, Only Foreplay
He was mumbling a lot, and it was hard to make out what he was saying, but he definitely said he needs time to warm up to, and we’re quoting, “y’know, the bedroom stuff.” And then he looked at the floor for a bit. Apparently, you like to get right to it, which is fine. He just said he needs a bit more romance, because it lets him get out of his head, and just do what he has to do. Seriously, that’s how he phrased it.
Does The Word “Tumble” Mean Anything To You?
When he first approached us about this, we knew this would be a bit awkward. We’re happy to help, but we asked why he didn’t just bring up his needs with you in person. Wow, did he not appreciate that. So when we met up in person, we figured we could just write down some of his kinks, and have a little fun with it. Well, that’s not what happened. Instead, he awkwardly read from a piece of paper crumpled up in his pocket, making it feel like list of demands. Halfway down he just said the word “tumble.” He wouldn’t answer any questions about it, so if that means anything to you, good luck.
Something About His Butt
Boy oh boy, he looked uncomfortable when he mumbled this, and then started apologizing. Honestly, we thought he was going to cry. We told him it’s okay. We all have needs and there’s nothing wrong in sharing them, but he started talking about his mother and Hell and then took a hard right turn into the weather. He went on about whether it was going to rain or not for about half an hour.
Pretend To Make A Baby
He knows you guys aren’t ready yet, and he totally respects that, but he says it would help if you could pretend that you’re trying to conceive when you have sex. Maybe talk about family planning beforehand, and come up with a tax plan for your expanding family. Sex is clearly a tough time for him, and it seems like he’d be a lot more comfortable if he could pretend he was bringing a baby into this world. At least, we think that’s what he was talking about. He was hiding in the closet by the time it came up.
Don’t Tell His Mother
Honey, this may not be our place, but are you guys happy? He’s a nice enough fella, but he seems to have a couple issues. When we asked him his favorite position, he said missionary, but it really seemed like that was because of Jesus stuff, you know? Look, best of luck with the sex life, but if you need someone to talk to, we’re always here. Oh, also, he wants to make sure you don’t mention any of this to his mother. The article, or even that you’re having sex.