Get The Attention You Deserve By Faking A Pregnancy (Again)
We here at Bunny Ears care deeply about our readers’ well-being, and it has recently come to our attention that people who do not have children are being wildly ostracized by society. One person emailed us and went into great detail about how the lack of attention they get at family gatherings were making them physically ill. It makes sense, because who wouldn’t develop sudden IBS when they have to constantly listen to everyone praise Becky for popping out four kids and not having a mental breakdown? Another reader complained about never getting the attention her nephews get when they so much as have the flu, even though she herself spends a great deal of time in surgery to obtain those perfect cheekbones. Honestly, that’s just sexist.
These blatant examples of cruelty have deeply disturbed us, so we asked Karen, our in-house psychologist, to share her thoughts on dealing with “childless shaming,” a term she swears is a real thing. Instead of suggesting you take the high road when it comes to childless shaming, Karen suggests using society’s own rules against them.
“We are enlightened beings. We are fruitful in our spiritual lives, and we deserve just as much attention as anyone else. I say stick it to society. Beat them at their own game by faking a pregnancy.”
Announcing Your Fake Pregnancy
Karen says it’s all about the calendar.
“Consider the seasons. What makes a fake pregnancy so wonderful—aside from all the attention it’ll get you!—is that you can calculate and control almost everything. Are winter months a lonely time for you? Announce your fake pregnancy at the start of the cold season and be showered with affection and comfort food. Don’t want to be burdened by a strap-on pillow in summer? Make sure your final trimester falls on cooler months. Want to have an Aquarian baby? You get the gist.”
Karen was also a drama major, which means she understands the value of a good entrance, so to speak.
“Maybe it’s more important for you to steal Becky-with-the-four-kids’ thunder. If so, plan your announcement around a special Becky event, like her birthday or when she actually does have a mental breakdown.”
Consider Your Exit Strategy
Your exit strategy will most likely depend on your past experience:
“Let’s be honest: You’ve almost certainly done this before, and that’s why you’re strongly considering doing it again. You probably blamed the absence of a baby after nine months on a miscarriage your first time around, so be careful. Even though it might’ve gotten you an amazing amount of attention the first time around, people might become too concerned with your well-being. They might insist you see a specialist. Worse, they might start bringing up adoption. Try to come up with something more creative and final, like faking a car crash. That way, you can just shrug and say ‘It’s clearly not meant to be.'”
What if you actually do want a baby, but you’re too busy with your yogi training to carry a child and you also don’t want to mess up your boobs and bladder?
“Sure. You’re free to consider adoption to accompany your fake pregnancy, but it’s a huge commitment. You might not carry a baby, but you’ll have to carry the lie with you for the rest of your life, which you’re probably able to do, considering you’re willing to fake a pregnancy.”
Milk It Like You Mean It
While it’s vitally important to put your strategy in place, Karen says you should take full advantage of your fake pregnancy.
“This is your special time! Turn every possible opportunity to your favor. Did your fancy $600 juicer break? Throw a baby shower and register all the things you need replaced in your home. If you feel the attention around your pregnancy start to wane, feign some sort of pregnancy complication. Better yet, put on the waterworks and tell your friends and family your doctor prescribed a week-long spa getaway, but you can’t afford it, and the stress is killing your baby.”
Karen also has some great advice for those fake pregnancy blues:
“Some days, you’ll feel the pain of your nine glorious months slowly coming to an end. This is normal. The mental stress of a fake pregnancy will take its toll on you, but keep in mind the sacrifice you have made to empower yourself. Relish in the attention it has brought you, and indulge in the thought of never having to know what an episiotomy feels like.”
Never forget: You deserve love, and so does your fake baby.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…