Dear Goop, We Have Your Therapist. If You Want Him Back Give Us Your Best Summer Skincare Products

June 20, 2018 by , featured in Spiritual Wellness
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Dear Goop.com:

We have your therapist. He is in the Bunny Ears warehouse, breathing and meditating normally. He is healthy and spiritually aligned. We’re guessing you want him to stay that way. If you want your therapist returned safely please give us your Top 10 Summer Skin Care Product Recommendations. We’re not messing around here. Your therapist is in grave danger.

Summer skin care is different from winter skin care. Handling a hot summer climate requires SPF, oil control, and lightweight moisturizing. You need products that won’t clog your pores but will stand up to sweat. In humid conditions, finding the perfect summer skin products that can withstand sweat is a real challenge. Speaking of which, your therapist sure is sweating a lot, you guys. We think he’s really nervous. Goop, you should probably help him. Check out how comfortable he looks talking about activating your full potential. He will probably never feel that secure again. He’s scared. Our warehouse is pretty humid and gross.

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Humid, gross conditions require the perfect toner and moisturizer combo in order to combat acne while preserving a youthful glow. What toner do you recommend, Goop? Your therapist could use some toner to be honest because right now the only thing cleansing his skin is his tears. Send us toner recommendations so he stops crying. We guess he might be crying because we pried his eyes open with wires and made him watch Saved! He’s Jewish. Also he’s a straight baby boomer, so we thought he wouldn’t appreciate something campy. We’re new at this ‘torture’ thing. But we’ll get better at it. If you don’t rescue him.

skin careSpeaking of rescue, are there sunburn rescue products you’d recommend? We’re not just going to use aloe like suckers and give our readers the same old sun care tips you can find anywhere else. We need to know what’s on trend for sunburns this summer, and we think you know what that is, Goop. Also your therapist has a huge burn on his face because we put him under a skylight. Oops. We mean, yay! We intended that. Torture. We skimmed your therapist’s article about using anger for good and now we yell at him sometimes. We think that’s what he meant. We are VERY SERIOUS about skin care around here. We’ve probably done some damage to his psyche.

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Sun damage is becoming more and more hard to avoid during the summer months because of climate change. Goop, we’d love to tell our readers about the best, newest products that block uva and uvb rays, but we can’t, because you haven’t told us your skin care secrets yet. Tell us your secrets or we’ll up the torture factor. You don’t want to expose a straight baby boomer therapist to Party Monster do you?

Goop, we know you’ll do the right thing here. Give us your skin care recommendations and we’ll release your therapist back into the wild.

-Bunny Ears


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  4. Hana Michels
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7 Comments

  1. Dear Hana,
    You are really, really funny. Let me know, please, where this takes you. I’m still laughing.
    G’ma

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