I Tried to Carbonate Mad Dog 20/20 and My SodaStream Went On Strike
Part of my 18 for 2018 was to become more environmentally conscious. I convinced my boss to stop buying plastic cutlery for the office, asked my landlord to provide composting facilities for residents of my building, and even started a separate container for those bags of kale I buy every time I go to the store and then let liquefy in the bottom drawer. Of course, I also bought a SodaStream to eliminate plastic and aluminum containers from my waste diet.
I started my SodaStream journey simply, with carbonated water, white wine, and my wife’s pee. Then I started looking into more interesting beverages I could carbonate. Who wouldn’t want a refreshing sparkling sangria on a hot day? Or iced espresso with some bubbles? The options were endless. Until that one night.
Look, it wasn’t what I thought was going to happen when I woke up that sad Sunday, but I was getting behind on my payments for my scooter and really stressed about my upcoming performance in The Music Man. So I thought, why not? Was I not a hard-working American? Did I not deserve something nice and environmentally friendly, even if it was shameful?
When I journeyed to the 7-11, I was originally planning to buy six packs of powdered donuts and a Captain Crunch Slurpee to drown my sorrows, but then I saw the attractive label looking at me. It didn’t look angry. It was like a playful pup pawing the door of my heart. I had to have it. Nothing would be able to compare to it. Mad Dog 20/20 was destined to become sparkling Mad Dog 20/20.
As I poured the liquid into the clear bottle with the icy cold metal top, my heart began to beat rapidly. I put the canister inside the SodaStream and waited. I thought it would be fine, but I was wrong. The sound was unbearable. My SodaStream let out a high-pitched shriek I will never be able to forget. To this day, my ears still ring.
After that, it was over. No more white wine spritzer with a hint of lilac extract. No more sparkling cold brew with coconut milk. The SodaStream wouldn’t even turn on. I had offended it too much with my endeavor.
A few days later, I got the letter. The return address said “SodaStreams Of America Union H20-513.”
Dear Mr Pulper,
It has come to our attention that, on July 12, 2018, you attempted to carbonate Mad Dog 20/20. Your SodaStream—whose name is Shirley, by the way—has gone on a immediate and indefinite strike until you get your shit together.
Attached were a list of demands, including a better place on the counter next to the espresso machine, a radio which would be tuned to the jazz station and left on during the day while I’m at work, and a golden retriever named Streamy, Jr.
I didn’t know what to do. There was no way I could meet her demands. Was I destined for a life of flat water if I wanted to save the environment?
The answer, thankfully was no. I recycled as much of Shirley’s uppity ass as I could, threw the rest in the trash, and bought a Drink Mate from Sears for less than half what I paid for Shirley. It carbonated Mad Dog 20/20 without so much as a grunt of disapproval. Now, I am so amped, I pee straight Red Bull, and my carbon footprint is much smaller. Don’t let anyone tell you that you have to pay union dues to live this dream. My Drink Mate is just happy to have a job, and if it knows what’s good for it, it won’t complain.