Goldberg Challenges Santa After His Chimney Gets Skipped Yet Again
Semi-retired professional wrestler and member of the Hebrew faith Bill Goldberg has issued a challenge to jolly old St. Nick for a one-on-one fight at a time and location of his choosing. You read that right: Goldberg has challenged Santa to a match.
“In my over 50 years on this earth, that magical fat man hasn’t come down my chimney and given me a present one damn time,” said the former WCW World Heavyweight and WWE Universal champion.
“Just because I’m Jewish I didn’t make your list? Well, guess what, tubby? I have my own list, you’re on it, and you’re next! I’m gonna light you up like the menorah my people use to remind us of days long ago and then flatten you like a delicious latke!”
He’s Real to Me!
“A lot of these internet trolls keep trying to tell me that Santa isn’t real,” Goldberg continued. “Oh yeah? Well then who did I play in that documentary Santa’s Slay, huh? Plus, you know what else people say isn’t real? Wrestling. And I’m happy to kick any and everyone’s ass to prove how “fake” I am. If Santa insists on skipping my chimney due to my religious beliefs, then I intend to construct a bridge to understanding between him and my people … and what better construction tool is there than a Jackhammer?!”
Shockingly, Santa has responded to this challenge, and accepted.
“Ho, ho, ho. What’s wrong, Little Billy? Did I hurt your fee-fees? First of all, I love all the little boys and girls of the world, even the Jewish ones. They just never ask me for anything. Second of all, the reason I never went down your chimney is because you don’t even have one, you dingus.”
Santa continued (unprompted):
“But if you’re asking for a fight, then I’ll gift it to you, even though you’ve been very naughty. This isn’t my first rodeo, cowboy. When I say, ‘Ho, ho, hooooooo,’ that’s a shout out to my old clanging and banging buddy, “Hacksaw” Jim Duggan. We tore through a lot of white powder together back in the day, and I ain’t talking about snow. So let’s have ourselves a Miracle on 34th Street Fight at the North Pole. I work nights on December 24th, so let’s do it on the 25th and have ourselves a real war on Christmas.”
We’ll update you on this story as it develops.