A (Jim) Ross Hashanah Celebration

March 13, 2022 by , featured in Wrestling
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[A (Jim) Ross Hashanah Celebration is by Mayor Glenn Jacobs, as told to Dave Kushner]

Always happy to reunite with old friends, I recently accepted an invitation to dinner at my pal Jim Ross’s house. He left the WWE for AEW, and I entered politics, so I don’t get to see him—or many other wrestling colleagues—that often anymore. So imagine my surprise when I arrived and learned that Jim—who to my knowledge, is definitely not Jewish—was hosting a dinner celebration for the Jewish New Year, known as Rosh Hashanah! It was a night I’ll never forget.

A Slobberknocking Mazel Tov

As we sat around the table, JR greeted us with a welcome speech:

“Good evening, everyone. I’ve been on a bit of a self-improvement kick lately, and I’m challenging muhself to learn about new cultures and experience their customs. If there’s some things good ol’ JR knows a lot about, it’s red-blooded American professional wrestling, smash-mouth Oklahoma football, and of course, grillin’ with mouth-watering BBQ sauces! And if there’s one thing I’m not very familiar with, it’s the culture of my admittedly small number of friends from the world’s oldest monotheistic religion: Judaism. So thank yew, my friends, for joining me here.”

It became immediately clear to me that JR had made the somewhat common mistake of assuming I was of Jewish heritage because of my name. I wasn’t offended, of course, and didn’t wish to embarrass my old friend, so I kept quiet.

“Now, according to dubya dubya dubya Wikipedia dot calm,” he continued, “a Rosh Hashanah dinner traditionally begins with a prayer in Hebrew and the eating of apples and honey. I ask my good friend, former defensive tackle for the University of Georgia, five-year veteran of the National Football League, and actual Jew-American Bill Goldberg, to do the honors.”

Not Your Typical Matzo Moment of Bliss …

Bill Goldberg looked visibly concerned, saying something along the lines of, “Oh uh, Jim, I’m not that observant. I haven’t said any prayers in Hebrew since my Bar Mitzvah.” It was at this point that a loud, unmistakable voice boomed from the kitchen. Paul Heyman!

“Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Paul Heyman, and I am but a humble advocate for the High Holiday of Rosh Hashanah,” he said. “Please allow me to consecrate this meal with the prayers of our ancestors! Barukh ata Adonai Eloheinu melekh ha’olam borei p’ri ha’eitz!”

It was at this point that JR asked Paul Heyman, “What on Earth that cacophony was?” Paul explained that it was a Hebrew prayer, and JR responded with something along the lines of, “Yeah right, you sheisty slippery devil. I know Grace when I hear it, and that sure as heck wasn’t it!”

The evening quickly unraveled from there.

Goldberg was enraged by the lack of pork at JR’s kosher dinner. Alexa Bliss denied being Jewish, to which Heyman said, “Yeah right, Lexi Kaufman, you’re not fooling anyone! I saw pictures from your Bat Mitzvah.” Barry Horowitz walked around aimlessly, asking everyone one by one if it was time for him “to hit the canvas yet, y’know, do the job?” He dropped on his back immediately at the sight of Goldberg. JR attempted to blow the shofar, a ceremonial instrument made from a ram’s horn that takes years of practice and skill to play. He actually nailed it, I’ll give him that.

I was looking forward to meeting AEW’s rising star, the young Maxwell Jacob Friedman (MJF), but he never came, apparently sending his regrets along with the note, “Why the fuck would I go to Rosh Hashanah at Jim Ross’s house? That’s more random than Paul Heyman officiating Rory Culkin’s wedding.”

L’shanah tovah to my Jewish friends, and have a healthy Year 5780!

Images: WWE/Wiki/KnoxCounty/WWE/WWE/WWE/WWE

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