Our Son Wanted A Vape Mitzvah And We’re Trying Our Best
Our son wanted a “Vape Mitzvah” and we’re trying our best to make this his special day, but oh boy, this is hard! Daniel has a few relatives with asthma and uncle Moishe is afraid of sick vape tricks since his house burned down in that fire. But today is Daniel’s day. He’s becoming a man. He already has three chin hairs! So it’s our duty as parents to make today as perfect for him as possible, regardless of potential health risks.
We Got the Rabbi to Do It
Rabbi Feinstein was hesitant about the Vape Mitzvah, but once we provided him with our specially-made Challah-flavored juul pods (they taste terrible) he was on board. He even turned a vape trick he learned into a parable about Moses parting the red sea! Everyone knows a Rabbi’s duty is tying pop culture phenomena into the Torah to please 13-year-olds, and boy did he deliver.
We Stressed the Importance of Heritage
My husband and I were adamant that each vape provided to Daniel’s friends should remind them of pivotal moments in Jewish history. After several vape shops refused to design Holocaust-themed vapes, we settled on a tasteful motif of the Jews being blamed for the bubonic plague for some reason. We never realized how sad all of Jewish history was before we designed these vape pods! Also, we gave the Jews on the vapes Fortnite weapons. Daniel loved Fortnite a year ago and we’re pretty sure he still does.
We Have Too Many of the Mango Pods
Mango is Daniel’s favorite flavor so we began buying the mango vape pods in bulk. My husband tried a hundred or so of these pods to try to “get used to it,” and he is both cranky and distant to me now. We also had gefilte fish vape pods made for some of Daniel’s older relatives. Daniel said their breath doesn’t smell any different, so that’s a success! We’re afraid they won’t be able to lift him on a chair and vape at the same time, but Daniel insists upon it.
Oh, Daniel, we just want you to be happy. Please just be happy!