Vegan Alternatives To Egging A House
The siren call of a good egging is hard to ignore. Maybe your neighbors are jerks, or maybe you’re just offended by their ostentatious lawn ornaments. We believe in your right to express your disapproval ovarily, but we also believe in a cruelty-free lifestyle, so we cannot condone wasting the eggs of some defenseless hen even in the service of frivolous intimidation. Have you considered the following vegan alternatives to egging a house?
Spit On Them
Walk right up to their front door, look them in right in the eye, and let the saliva fly! If that’s not quite passive-aggressive enough for you, you can just spit on the door, but it’s going to take a lot of sputum to make your statement clear, and we know damn well that you’re not hydrated enough for that.
Take A Dump On Their Front Doorstep
This tactic may be crude, but it’s certainly effective. Please refrain from using your dog’s fecal matter, as that would be animal exploitation. You may feel tempted to resort to the classic lighting of the paper bag filled with shit on fire, but we deeply discourage this, as it fills the air with nasty pollutants. Bonus: Your excrement will act as a lovely fertilizer later on.
Cover Their Driveway In Banana Peels Mario Kart–Style
Let’s a-go! This is a fun and compostable egging vegan alternative for derailing your neighbor’s day. These slippery little bad boys will certainly add a twist to the soccer carpool.
Draw Crop Circles In Their Front Yard
Grab your trusty hedge clippers and sneak away into the dead of night to your neighbor’s house. Carve the most cryptic and eerie-looking shapes you can think of into their lawn. They will awake to these inscriptions, and if they’re reasonable people, they will believe they are being targeted by aliens. This is a brilliant alternative to TP-ing a house, as toilet tissue accounts for 15% of deforestation.
Compost Them (Yes, Murder)
Murder your neighbors, chop them up into tiny bits, and add it to your neighborhood compost bin. You’d be killing two Monsanto CEOs with one stone, doing away with your annoying neighbors while also giving back to the community. This may seem a bit extreme, but nothing is too hardcore when it comes to protecting Mother Earth. It’s not like people like you go to prison.