You’re A Godless Monster If You Don’t Use These Vegan Sex Toys

September 29, 2021 by , featured in Food and Recipes
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I’m extremely sex-positive and I’m not here to kink shame. What I am going to shame, however, is your thoughtless use of animal-derived sex toys just to enhance your own sense of pleasure. You with your assless leather chaps and your two-ounce steaks. Disgusting. Look, I don’t care how you jerk it—that’s your business and I’m not going to judge you for it. But stop using the pain and suffering of poor, innocent animals for your own sexy times!

Here’s a list of my favorite vegan sex toys so you can get off with less guilt and shame.

Sustainable Underwear

This edible underwear made of woven wheatgrass, lemongrass, and acaî berries isn’t just eco-friendly and aesthetically pleasing, but it’s a solid health choice, too. The wheatgrass and acaî berries contain Vitamin E to boost your energy and stamina, and the lemongrass is loaded with folate. Your man will be way more likely to go down on you when he knows he can please you and improve his eyesight at the same time.

Bunny Ears Survival Tip: Grassy underwear can be used to fuel campfires in an emergency.

Recyclable Massage Oils

If you dare think about slathering up your lover with anything other than coconut oil you’re not a true vegan and you know it. Not only will you experience easier sliding and gliding, but you’ll reap the benefits of healthy, moisturized skin and shiny, well-nourished hair. Reduce waste by saving used coconut oil after cooking and setting it aside for your next sensual massage session. Or vice-versa.

Exploitation-Free Handcuffs

Vegan Sex Toys

To be fair, most metal bondage gear is vegan by its very nature. But the spirit of this article is to show you that you can make socially-conscious choices even in the throes of passion. So if you’re wealthy like me and all my friends, just make sure the diamond encrusted handcuffs you use are cruelty-free. Think of your fellow man as you orgasm and order a responsible, exploitation-free piece.

A Carrot, Probably

Vegan Sex Toys

I mean, obviously, right?

Compostable Mood-Setters

Vegan Sex Toys

Roses are a lovely, all-natural choice for setting a sexy scene. But we can do better. Tea leaves can be just as romantic and are much more versatile. Make yourself a soothing cup of Earl Gray to put yourself in a nice, relaxed mood for some lazy lovemaking. Scatter the mushy, wet leaves all over your freshly-made bed and get down and dirty with your partner. Then reuse the tea leaves a third time by adding them to your compost heap!

It’s both easy and rewarding to give back to Mother Earth by making just a few simple changes to your enormous stash of sex toys. And look, I don’t mean to scare you, but we only have like 12 years to get this shit right. So grab your cucumber dildo and get to work.

Images: Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay, Pixabay

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  1. Hi, BDSM enthusiast here. Might I recommend the Twizzler Pull & Peel Cat o’ Nine Tails? Twizzlers claim to be a vegan candy. The Pull and Peels are comprised of nine sugary tube strings of stinging delight. Simply peel back the nine “tails” one third of the way and lash away at your naughty little sex slave. Once they’re screaming their safe word, you have a nice snack to enjoy while they writhe on the floor in front of you.

  2. Don’t forget spermicide-free condoms! That’s right, just like we wouldn’t drain cows of their precious milk, we can’t justify draining men of all their virile sperm. Spermicide-free condoms allow the user to collect each and every lost sperm. Once transferred into a gender neutral mason jar, you and your partner can care for each and every swimmer until they die of natural causes.

  3. You’re probably being cheeky, but non-vegans probably are gonna get really triggered by the whole “Disgusting” line. I mean, from some people’s moral perspective, masturbation and bondage is pure nihilistic perversion. We often get accused of being “cultist,” us vegans, which is a bit hypocritical, but there is some truth to that claim, I think. Sexual fetishes are openly normalized now by leftist, and vegans are often left leaning and very liberal, but I have no wish to validate such shameful sexual dysfunctions, nor embellish what is shameful in public.

    If you want to be kinky behind closed doors, I’m not wanting to impose, but I think instead of “bondage” gear, men might try adopting more masculine attitudes in life, and this subconsciousness need to manifest S&M fetishes will probably subside; and females who struggle with this fetish might try adopting more feminine and traditional values to help cure the need to be treated in this primitive and atavistic way. That sort of degeneracy is not healthy for families, and the wickedness of it creeps out from the privacy of your bedrooms, and into the public space.

    As an atheist, I feel like pagans and atheist are often lacking morals and ethics, and that’s hurting our society very much. Yes, treating animals with kindness is very moral indeed, but the sexual stuff is from the Juice which own the porn industry and still trade eastern European sex slaves to this day. This war against Europe and the West does not go unnoticed across the earth, and some day the Juice will pay a heavy price for what they have done to us. I still care about you guys though, okay family?

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