You’re A Godless Monster If You Don’t Use These Vegan Sex Toys
I’m extremely sex-positive and I’m not here to kink shame. What I am going to shame, however, is your thoughtless use of animal-derived sex toys just to enhance your own sense of pleasure. You with your assless leather chaps and your two-ounce steaks. Disgusting. Look, I don’t care how you jerk it—that’s your business and I’m not going to judge you for it. But stop using the pain and suffering of poor, innocent animals for your own sexy times!
Here’s a list of my favorite vegan sex toys so you can get off with less guilt and shame.
This edible underwear made of woven wheatgrass, lemongrass, and acaî berries isn’t just eco-friendly and aesthetically pleasing, but it’s a solid health choice, too. The wheatgrass and acaî berries contain Vitamin E to boost your energy and stamina, and the lemongrass is loaded with folate. Your man will be way more likely to go down on you when he knows he can please you and improve his eyesight at the same time.
Bunny Ears Survival Tip: Grassy underwear can be used to fuel campfires in an emergency.
Recyclable Massage Oils
If you dare think about slathering up your lover with anything other than coconut oil you’re not a true vegan and you know it. Not only will you experience easier sliding and gliding, but you’ll reap the benefits of healthy, moisturized skin and shiny, well-nourished hair. Reduce waste by saving used coconut oil after cooking and setting it aside for your next sensual massage session. Or vice-versa.
To be fair, most metal bondage gear is vegan by its very nature. But the spirit of this article is to show you that you can make socially-conscious choices even in the throes of passion. So if you’re wealthy like me and all my friends, just make sure the diamond encrusted handcuffs you use are cruelty-free. Think of your fellow man as you orgasm and order a responsible, exploitation-free piece.
A Carrot, Probably
I mean, obviously, right?
Roses are a lovely, all-natural choice for setting a sexy scene. But we can do better. Tea leaves can be just as romantic and are much more versatile. Make yourself a soothing cup of Earl Gray to put yourself in a nice, relaxed mood for some lazy lovemaking. Scatter the mushy, wet leaves all over your freshly-made bed and get down and dirty with your partner. Then reuse the tea leaves a third time by adding them to your compost heap!
It’s both easy and rewarding to give back to Mother Earth by making just a few simple changes to your enormous stash of sex toys. And look, I don’t mean to scare you, but we only have like 12 years to get this shit right. So grab your cucumber dildo and get to work.