This Fall’s Must-Haves (According To Pumpkin Spice Tea Leaves)

August 22, 2022 by , featured in Health
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While beautiful for northern topiary and cozy fashion, autumn marks the time of year when holiday stress officially begins. ‘Tis the season for checkout lines and gift-giving headaches! Lord knows if there were a way to get ahead of all the toy and clothing buzz we’d kill to know it.

Well, you’re in luck, future consumer! We asked our resident tasseography expert to predict all the biggest product trends of fall by reading the most festive of psychic conduits: pumpkin spice tea leaves! Hey, it might not be an exact science, but it’s worth a try… if only for fun!

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10. Pumpkin Spice Boba Tea Kit – $27.00

Well, that’s a bit weird! Believe it or not, our first attempt to channel the future through pumpkin spice tea leaves resulted in the symbols pointing us to this pumpkin spice boba tea kit on Call it coincidence or an act of self-preservation, but it appears that pumpkin spice remains the top dog of the season… at least according to itself!

7. “Pumpkin Spice and Chill” Trucker Cap – $22.99

Whaaaaat? You’ll never believe this in a million years… but we swear to God that on our second attempt to read pumpkin spice tea leaves, it directed us to yet another pumpkin spice product! This time it was a “Pumpkin Spice And Chill” trucker hat on What are the odds?

8. 50 lb Bulk Box Of Pumpkin Spice For Oral Consumption – $282.00

Okay, hold on. We’re pretty certain that no one needs nearly $300 worth of raw pumpkin spice “for oral consumption” as the tea leaves dictated to us in frightening specificity. Could this be some kind of elaborate office prank we aren’t yet aware of? Well if we end up having egg on our face when the big reveal comes, all we can say is: Bravo!


7. “Our Tiny Gourd Spores Live In Every Man, Woman, And Child” T-Shirt – $15.99

When first divining the shapes at the bottom of the cup, our resident tasseography expert went immediately pale before being stricken by some sort of psychic episode. Luckily we were able to record the inhuman shrieks echoing from his agape spasming maw that when played backward directed us to this Etsy shirt. While counterproductive to the original purpose of this list, we refrain from sharing the exact link on account of a series of freak accidents bestowed upon everyone who visited the page. We urge you to take caution when continuing to read this list, for we know not what our actions will unearth. And yet… with all the harbingers of danger before us, we feel deeply compelled to keep going forward. It’s as if our fate is but a final chapter in a book already scribed.


6. BD Safety-Lok™ Blood Collection Set with Pre-Attached Holder, For Proving Loyalty – $352.02

As per the desire of the moist gourd shavings that inhabit the bottom of our cup as well as all living flesh, blood will be extracted and submitted no later than ten human days after the apex of the September equinox. No better gift than the

Safety-Lok Blood Collection Set with Pre-Attached Holder, 21 Gauge, 0.75″ Needle, 12″ Tubing, Green (Pack of 200). Get one for every child of your family.

5. Cucurbita Pepo Token Of Allegiance – $BLOOD

Once the blood is extracted and placed on the doorstep of every occupied house in America, it will be time to see who is truly committed to the will of the gourd. All heretics will be disposed of in the sacrificial method of carving out two triangular holes in place of the nipples, a third hole in the umbilicus, and a final jagged gash in the upper genital region. True believers will be rewarded with a token of allegiance that can be exchanged for breeding rights or sustenance in the form of dried gourd shreddings.


4. The Bone-White Shores Of Lake Michigan

We’re not exactly sure when or why, but according to the pumpkin spice Lake Michigan’s shore will be reduced to a searing wasteland of fused silica. HOW ARE WE TO ESCAPE THIS CERTAINTY?



Gourd gourd, gourd gourd gourd gourd. Gourd! Gourd gourd gourd gourd, gourd? Gourd gourd gourd, gourd gourd — gourd. Gourd, gourd gourd: gourd.


2. “Yass Pumpkin Spice” Mug – $14.99

Get the queen of your life the gift she deserves with this adorable “Yass Pumpkin Spice” mug available at


1. The Pumpkin Currently Growing In Your Parietal Lobe

The parietal lobe is responsible for your brain’s sense of touch, smell, and taste. Upon successfully merging your DNA with that of the Great Gourd’s, all will be interpreted through their divine lens. You will see, hear, smell, and taste only the sweet flavor of the patch-born husk until your dying, spice-flavored breath. Rejoice!

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