EXCLUSIVE: Which Cryptids Are Best In Bed?
Cryptids are hot right now. Not hot as in sexually, but in the sense of being a hot topic on the internet these days. But also they are hot sexually. Which is why our “researchers” have created the definitive guide to which cryptids are best in bed. Read on to find out which of these majestic and mysterious creatures you should ride to bone town!
This article is centered on “humanoid cryptids,” which means they have at least a rudimentary means of communicating. This is a roundabout way of saying we fucked Mothman (and it was amazing). Mothman is fuzzy, which is great for cuddling, and the wings mean he has to be on top, which we honestly prefer. Plus, the warm red glow of his eyes sets the mood by highlighting just a hint of your bodies without the distraction of turning on the lights (of course, the electrical interference caused by Mothman makes that impossible anyway). It’s a truly otherworldly experience.
We actually tried out a few different ‘squatches, and the consensus was that Batsquatch is the best in the sack. We think it’s because he’s the only ‘squatch that doesn’t have a hairless ring around his nipples. Just leave the hair or shave the whole chest, guys!
3. Flatwoods Monster
You may be intimidated by the Flatwoods Monster at first. However, while he looks 10 feet tall, know that it’s merely a mental projection and the real creature is human-sized. Flatty also isn’t great with physical intimacy, preferring to levitate slightly above you the whole time. But with a little communication and eye contact, the experience can be genuinely fulfilling for you both.
4. The Grinning Man
Indrid Cold is a mysterious man-shaped creature. He told us that he just wants to learn about human society, so we gave him a quick rundown of all our favorite Cosmo-inspired sex tips (first hand). If you’re into a partner who’s curious, eager, telepathic, and from the planet Lanulos, hit up Indrid. Plus, he’s always smiling, which is nice.
5. The Grunch
The grunch is a sort of lizard-chupacabra hybrid. The scales may seem unpleasant, but try to keep an open mind. Just be prepared for both the stench and the mid-coitus howls (it’s definitely not for everyone). That said, despite never returning the Grunch’s texts and declining a Facebook friend request, it was still an unforgettable experience.
We hope this guide to which cryptids are best in bed helps you on your journey of sexual discovery. We also hope you don’t get crushed by a giant monster while trying to fuck. Godspeed!