Who You’d Fuck In McDonaldland Based On Your Star Sign

In the magical land of McDonald, you might find passion in the most unexpected of places. In fact, by analyzing McDonaldland canon and applying the scientific method (plus our intimate knowledge of human-monster-food relations), we’ve been able to determine exactly who in the McDonald’s extended universe fucks, and, more importantly, who you should fuck in that universe based on your star sign.

Aries and Aquarius: A McNugget Buddy Orgy

We know what you’re thinking: “Wait … can McNuggets even fuck?” And the answer is yes. Yes they can. There’s even a 1991 commercial that features a McNugget wedding and McNugget children. If there are children, there is fucking. It’s science.

You might not think of a McNugget as your first choice of sexual partner, but what they lack in size we bet they more than make up for in both enthusiasm and numbers. Just imagine your every orifice filled with a sentient and horny chicken nug. Don’t be afraid. Let your passion carry you away.

Taurus and Cancer: Mayor McCheese

You crave power, so you’ll want to go after the big burger himself. However, keep in mind that hamburgers grow like plants in McDonaldland, so it’s likely that Mayor McCheese doesn’t fuck. (We don’t know what’s under those striped purple pants, and all McDonald’s will tell us is that “It’s delicious.”) Still, there are plenty of ways to have sex even if all he has down there is some kind of lettuce-and-tomato-based excrement hole. Get creative. We guarantee you won’t regret it.

Gemini and Pisces: Grimace

We’re officially jealous! You get to smash Bunny Ears’ favorite thicc purple daddy, Grimace. Grimace has a large extended family in the McDonaldland canon, including his parents, Grandma Winky, Uncle O’ Grimacy, and Aunts Millie and Tillie. The presence of traditional family roles would suggest that Grimace does, indeed, reproduce through fuckin’, so shoot your shot, you lucky dog!

Leo and Sagittarius: Birdie the Early Bird

That’s right. McDonaldland’s resident bird is going to fly you to the moon! Unfortunately, we saw Birdie’s birth in a 1980 commercial and can confirm that she hatched from an egg … which means Birdie doesn’t technically fuck. As a bird, she most likely has a cloaca through which all of her bodily excretions are released. We bet you can do something real freaky with that, though! We believe in you.

Scorpio and Capricorn: The Hamburglar

You know this bad boy for sure fucks. He’s shown with a wife and son in his most recent commercial appearance, so there’s no denying it. Yeah, there’s a little bit of a creep factor, but don’t pretend like you’re not into that.

Libra and Virgo: Ronald McDonald

We were explicitly told by several McDonald’s lawyers that we can’t legally say Ronald McDonald doesn’t fuck, nor imply that he’s anything less than a sexual dynamo with a super-sized erection. So if an adult man who’s been rocking a romper since the ’70s is your kind of thing, go for it!

Images: Unsplash, Onion/Flickr, McDonald’s