I No Longer Believe In Cage-Free Zoos Now That My Family Is Dead
I’ve been a staunch animal rights activist for most of my life. It’s why I use cruelty-free products, maintain a vegan diet, and why I decided to open a cage-free zoo. I believed that if you gave animals the freedom Gaia intended, they would return it with respect. It was a simple, reasonable premise. But it all went wrong.
No One Tells You About Hyenas
Naturally, I wasn’t going to stock my cage-free zoos with apex predators. That’s an obvious mistake. But hyenas weren’t heavily featured in any of my research materials, and when I saw a picture of one I honestly thought, “Awwww, big giggly cat puppy!” They were supposed to be our premier exhibit, so I had my family help me hand-feed them a healthy diet of fruit and soy (I believed animals were only carnivorous because they weren’t given a cruelty-free alternative). Unfortunately—and I will openly admit this—every single sentence before this one was a mistake, and the pack ate several of my children.
And Also, The Bears And Jaguars
While myself and the remaining members of my family were able to escape the hyena ambush, we were sadly no match for the jaguars. I personally thought jaguars were solo hunters, but the ones in my zoo definitely seemed to form some kind of alliance. My husband and remaining kids didn’t stand a chance. I honestly am only here right now because of the North American Grizzly that stormed in, T-Rex-at-the-end-of-Jurrasic-Park-style, to distract the jaguar pack long enough for me to make my escape up a tree.
A Time For Personal Reflection
As I sit in this baobob tree, the blood trail dripping gently down my leg (surely attracting more predators), I consider what I could have done differently. While I still love and respect animals, I reluctantly now admit that they should be in zoos and cages. Like, right now. Please bring some. I’m pretty sure they’re calling the baboons over to drag me down. Please hurry.