Cruelty-Free Cooking Tips From WWE’s Legion Of Doom
The following WWE cooking tips were the surviving pages of the Road Warriors’, AKA the Legion of Doom’s, Cruelty-Free cookbook. These pages were found scattered throughout a radioactive wasteland.
Please note that Hawk and Animal’s definition of “Cruelty-Free” may vary from contemporary definitions.
• 3 tigers (with skin, about 600 pounds)
• 1 pound of salt
• 1 pound of crushed pepper (the spicier the better)
• 2 pounds of sawdust
• 5 large onions
• 10 pounds of minced cement bits
• 5 gallons of eel blood
Start by decapitating the tiger with a stern clothesline off the nearest set of ropes. One clean bite. The beast’s suffering will ruin the flavor. Skin it, trim some of the excess cartilage, score the skin in a diamond pattern, and season liberally with salt, pepper, and sawdust. Slam it into the oven at 450°. Makes six main-course servings, 15 for standard jabronies.
Tree Bark Skewers
12 lively rats
1 cup street gravel
1 cup diced pigeon legs.
1 cup WD40
1/2 teaspoon catnip
3/4 lb tree bark, cut into 1″ pieces (redwood bark or eucalyptus preferred)
1 tablespoon rat poison
20 elephant skin tortillas, cut into triangles
Feed the ingredients to the rats. Wait. The key here is that the rats need to cross over to the other side content, or the meat will come out all stringy. Slow roast over coal. Serve with hot sauce.
Black Grizzly Bear Meat Loaf
- 1 600lb Bear
- 10 onions
- 15 penguin eggs
- 11 cups of swamp sands
- 10 dolphin skins (for bait)
- 10 gallons Murphy’s Oil
- Gun powder (to taste)
One of the many secrets of the apocalypse is that grizzly bears are obsessed with dolphin meat. Set up your trap and wait for Smokey to show up. While you’re laying in the cut, find something productive to do, something that increases your chances of survival during the end times. Like an audiobook with WWE cooking tips that teach you how to survive in a post-apocalyptic wrestling wasteland. This is crucial: once the bear shows up, don’t approach. Wait for it to dig into the dolphin meat. While one of you climbs a tree or stack of bodies, the other will slide their neck beneath the bear’s legs and hoist it on their shoulders. The person in the tree/mound of bodies should then Doomsday Device the bear teetering on their partner’s shoulders. It may not seem humane, but this is wasteland justice we’re talking about. Arrange the ground bear’s meat and the rest of the ingredients on a large enough sheet pan, like a car hood. Find an industrial incinerator and get to roasting for 45 minutes to an hour.
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