Foreskin Pants Are The New Boyfriend Jeans
You probably love rocking your boyfriend jeans, what with their high waist and comfortable, relaxed fit. Well, you disgust me. Thank God you are not important enough to ever be in the presence of Anna Wintour because she would spit in your face, and not in a kinky way. Everyone who actually understands fashion knows foreskin pants are the new boyfriend jeans. The stretch and give of the foreskins mean a perfect fit every time, for every size woman. Plus, they are literally made from boyfriends.
When you walk around in a freshly made, still warm pair of foreskin pants, you are making a statement: I care about the environment and also like my dicks cut. By eschewing synthetic fibers and recycling all-natural human foreskins that guys probably didn’t want anyway, you not only save the world, you save women from the shock of an unexpected Shar-Pei popping out of a dude’s fly.
Here’s how to ethically source your own pair of foreskin pants before the next Paris Fashion Week.
Most countries have pretty much abandoned circumcision, so if you live in one of them you’re in luck. Just walk up to any random guy and tell him he has the most beautiful eyes you’ve ever seen. Ask if he wants to go for a drink. Spend the day walking the streets holding hands, talking about anything and everything. Kiss on a bridge at sunset after he tells you he had given up hope of ever meeting someone so wonderful. Go back to his place. Then inject him with propofol, tie him to a chair, rip off his pants, and go to town with the rudimentary surgery kit you keep in your purse at all times. Within six months, you’ll have enough bits of limp dick tip to sashay around town in your own fabulous foreskin pants.
But if you live in America, things are a bit more complicated. About 80 percent of dudes here are already circumcised, which makes your search for the perfect raw material a lot harder.
Since most boy babies leave the hospital already missing a significant piece of their genitals, it’s the ideal place to stock up on some foreskin. Just be sure to wear thick gloves, because digging though medical waste bins means needles and other icky things mixed in with your precious cock cloth.
Unfortunately, 8-day-old babies aren’t known for their glans girth, so you are going to get very little schlong skin per hospital visit. You’re probably going to have to search for the uncircumcised 20 percent of adult men to complete your pants. The good news is that a lot of the work has probably already been done for you. As a woman on the internet, you’ve likely received hundreds of unsolicited dick pics. Go back through your collection and contact the guys who have a prepuce turtleneck.
They probably aren’t going to just hand it over, like the selfish, unstylish pricks they are (and have). Try and use logic: circumcision makes them less likely to get urinary tract infections, HIV, and penis cancer. Cancer. On their dick.
Or, appeal to their spiritual side. For some reason, God made it very clear that men need to slice their cocks up if they want to be his special friend. Do they really want to risk burning in eternal hellfire over something that would help make a lovely bootcut leg? If they continue to think with the wrong head, that’s where our good friend propofol comes in again.
As your collection of foreskin pants grows, don’t be afraid to experiment with new looks. Use phallus fabric from different skin colors for a lovely patchwork effect. Really work your human leather for a nice suede feel. And when summer comes, simply rub your pants firmly and they will roll up into shorts.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…