Apparently Periods Aren’t From An Elf War Inside A Lady Tummy
We all have our blind spots. I admit I have a few. You can’t be an expert on everything, no matter how much you try. But as a father of daughters, I now realize some of my preconceived notions may be more off-base than others. So, while I still have some questions, I’m ready to admit that periods probably aren’t the result of an elf war happening inside ladies’ tummies. Allow me to explain.
As we all know, the female body is inherently unknowable. But, after hours and hours of uncomfortable conversations with my daughters, I have learned that there are indeed some theories that may explain menstruation beyond said elf theory.
Obviously, it’s unnatural to bleed from an orifice on a regular basis. I’ve never done it, and none of the guys from the club have either. In fact, any of us would hightail it to the doctor lickety-split if we did. But, as my daughter Megyn explained to me over many, many cups of coffee, women are different than men. According to her, and certain scientists she showed me on Google, menstruation is a monthly cycle in which women shed the lining of their uterus for procreation purposes. And, after a few long nights of healthy debate, I guess I can see her point.
I didn’t have the benefit of a communicative father, who was willing to sit down and talk me through these uncomfortable subjects. When I was Megyn and Bree’s age, I had to come by certain conclusions on my own. And, based on my research at the time, various video games, and a guy I met in the woods named Dutchy Pete, I put together a coherent worldview that seemed to answer most of my questions.
Elves have been at war with each other since the dawn of time (four thousand years ago). This we can all agree on. Now, I assumed, in an effort to bring peace, some shrunk themselves down to the size of thimbles using ancient magicks, and crawled inside the vaginas of various human females.
It then only seemed logical that the dreaded Mega-Elves, or norsa Tel’Quessir (an evil offshoot of the once peaceful race) would follow them inside those hoo-has and wage war. The bloody battles would result in spilled blood—as all war does—and blood must go somewhere. That’s just science, Bree! Thanks to gravity—and the spells of the Bowel Bagiennik—that somewhere would be the vaginal drain hole. See, it makes sense!
Now, I’m no fool. I don’t think this blood has magical properties, or could be used to resurrect the dead. I just think ( or I guess thought) it was washed down the toilet, out to sea where it would feed fish and turn them into Krakens. Now, I’m not even sure where Krakens come from. Being a father can be complicated.
But, because I am always willing to educate myself, and because I just need some peace and quiet around here, I can now accept that periods are a natural part of the biological process, and that women are fully human.
You may think I’m being foolish, accepting something at face value without doing the research myself. But I have work in the morning, and I honestly just want to watch some basketball and go to sleep. So, I hereby promise to stop calling 911 every time one of my daughters bleeds out of her, I want to say, labia. And girls, I hope you’ll promise to never talk to me about any of this ever again.
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…