bunnyears

…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
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…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
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…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…

Apparently Periods Aren’t From An Elf War Inside A Lady Tummy

elf war

We all have our blind spots. I admit I have a few. You can’t be an expert on everything, no matter how much you try. But as a father of daughters, I now realize some of my preconceived notions may be more off-base than others. So, while I still have some questions, I’m ready to admit that periods probably aren’t the result of an elf war happening inside ladies’ tummies. Allow me to explain.

As we all know, the female body is inherently unknowable. But, after hours and hours of uncomfortable conversations with my daughters, I have learned that there are indeed some theories that may explain menstruation beyond said elf theory.

Period cramps 2

Obviously, it’s unnatural to bleed from an orifice on a regular basis. I’ve never done it, and none of the guys from the club have either. In fact, any of us would hightail it to the doctor lickety-split if we did. But, as my daughter Megyn explained to me over many, many cups of coffee, women are different than men.  According to her, and certain scientists she showed me on Google, menstruation is a monthly cycle in which women shed the lining of their uterus for procreation purposes. And, after a few long nights of healthy debate, I guess I can see her point.

I didn’t have the benefit of a communicative father, who was willing to sit down and talk me through these uncomfortable subjects. When I was Megyn and Bree’s age, I had to come by certain conclusions on my own. And, based on my research at the time, various video games, and a guy I met in the woods named Dutchy Pete, I put together a coherent worldview that seemed to answer most of my questions.

Elves have been at war with each other since the dawn of time (four thousand years ago). This we can all agree on. Now, I assumed, in an effort to bring peace, some shrunk themselves down to the size of thimbles using ancient magicks, and crawled inside the vaginas of various human females.

It then only seemed logical that the dreaded Mega-Elves, or norsa Tel’Quessir (an evil offshoot of the once peaceful race) would follow them inside those hoo-has and wage war. The bloody battles would result in spilled blood—as all war does—and blood must go somewhere. That’s just science, Bree! Thanks to gravity—and the spells of the Bowel Bagiennik—that somewhere would be the vaginal drain hole. See, it makes sense!

Now, I’m no fool. I don’t think this blood has magical properties, or could be used to resurrect the dead. I just think ( or I guess thought) it was washed down the toilet, out to sea where it would feed fish and turn them into Krakens. Now, I’m not even sure where Krakens come from. Being a father can be complicated.

But, because I am always willing to educate myself, and because I just need some peace and quiet around here, I can now accept that periods are a natural part of the biological process, and that women are fully human.

You may think I’m being foolish, accepting something at face value without doing the research myself. But I have work in the morning, and I honestly just want to watch some basketball and go to sleep. So, I hereby promise to stop calling 911 every time one of my daughters bleeds out of her, I want to say, labia. And girls, I hope you’ll promise to never talk to me about any of this ever again.    

Images: PixabayPixabayPixabay, Pixabay

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