‘Luigi’s Mansion 3’ Is FAR Too Scary For Me And My Highly Sensitive Boys

October 15, 2019 by , featured in Video Games
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As a parent, I’ve always loved Nintendo’s family-friendly offerings. I’m a huge fan of games like Super Mario Bros and Nintendogs. This is why I’m admittedly concerned by the upcoming release of Luigi’s Mansion 3. From what I’ve seen so far, this game will be far too scary for me to play with Branklin and Conch, my two highly sensitive boys.

Let me tell you a little bit about Branklin and Conch. They were born two and four months premature, respectively, and hate loud noises and conflict. Every morning, they wake up with their eyes just full of morning crust—even more than I had as a boy! The doctor says it is part of their sickness.

Last week, Branklin, Conch, and I huddled around the computer to catch up on Nintendo’s E3 presentation, and we saw the Luigi’s Mansion 3 trailer. Let me tell you, it didn’t go on long before I had to cover my sensitive little boys’ sensitive little eyes! (And came away with a hand covered in morning crust.)

Luigi’s Mansion 3 appears to be crammed full of mean-looking ghosts who are trying to spook Luigi out of his gourd. And these ghosts could be anywhere. To think, Nintendo thinks it’s appropriate for children to see dreadful ghouls jump out and deliver spooks when, just last week, we had to give our cat away because Branklin was scared by his “soft belly”!

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By the way, have you seen the ghosts in Luigi’s Mansion 3? Many of them have excessively long tongues, which they stick out at Luigi as a taunt. You know who else has an excessively long tongue? The boys’ mother. Does Nintendo want my boys to associate their beloved mother with these horrid phantoms? The last thing we need is the boys having nightmares about their mother and her unsettlingly long tongue again.

As one last thumb-to-the-eye from Nintendo: They made all their ghosts white—the same color as Branklin and Conch’s milk! If they start to worry we’re serving them glasses of ghosts, I worry they’ll no longer want to drink it. Milk is the only food these boys can tolerate, so if they’re now terrified of their sole source of calories, they may wither and die.

The light from the TV is often enough to send my boys scurrying under the furniture, so needless to say, we will NOT be playing Luigi’s Mansion 3 in this house. As if their mother and I don’t already spend enough time trying to get them out from under the couch.

Images: Nintendo, Pixabay


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2 Comments

  1. you are stupid your kids are just pussys luigis mansion is the best game ever and family friendly so what i think your kids should die

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