We Tried To Find Inspirational Love Stories But Found Love Is A Lie
We here at Bunny Ears believe that human connection can transcend the ugliness of this world. In order to illustrate that point, we set out on a backpacking expedition across Europe to find inspiring stories of true love. We met with dozens of couples and asked them to talk about the loves of their lives.
Unfortunately, everyone we met was a miserable son of a bitch. Who knew a continent with a Museum of Broken Relationships would be so depressing? For the sake of every one, all names have been omitted.
“When I was a teenager, we had a cow on our family farm. I was my parents’ least favorite child, but they did notice how well I got along with that cow. When I became a man, the cow came with me to my own farm (they always send the least loved out into the mountains to farm alone). But at least I had my one friend.
The cow was loyal and would prance alongside me like a puppy. She ate right out of my hand. Damn that was a good cow.
Then came the big freeze, 1980-something. One of the farmhouse windows broke and the place became impossible to heat. I thought I was going to die. Driven by the cruel imperative of survival, I cut that soft little cow open and slept inside her for the rest of winter. She saved my life, and I don’t think I’ll ever have a truer friend again.
And that’s my best love story.”
“I met him in a traveling carnival. Good Lord, just thinking about the way that man played the flugelhorn makes my hair stand on edge. Flugelism was just a hobby, however; he was a unicyclist and knife juggler by trade. I may never know genius like his again.
We lived in the sort of luxury one would expect from a carnival worker. I never wanted for anything. But one day, he told me he was working on a new routine. I never saw him practice, and then, he was gone. I know now what his new trick was: Stealing my heart.
He also stole all the furniture, my jewelry, and the car. I will always love that man.”
“My wife left me some time ago. I think back to the little letters we used to write each other; making jokes, talking about the trivialities of our day. We worked as a flawless team managing our homestead together, but it’s all gone now. All that is left is my memories.
We had two beautiful children, but neither talk to me now. One I believe writes erotic stories about werewolves, the other sells haggis pizza from a cart.
These days I just sit on the porch with a bottle of whiskey and watch the world die.”
Rothenburg ob der Tauber, Germany
“Dead. They are all dead. Leave me alone and stop tormenting me in my loneliness!”
Monster, South Holland
“I have a recurring dream about my childhood sweetheart. We marry and live the rest of our lives together. This happens every night, to the point where I prefer sleep to waking life.
Only she’s different lately. When I catch her out of the corner of my eye, she appears to drool a thick black liquid from a mouth full of sharp fangs, and disappears when I face her head on. Otherwise it is the same dream every night. I never feel so happy as when we are at the altar, and we say our vows, and her eyes turn black. Black like I could just sink into them forever.
What happened to her in real life, you ask? She was killed in an accident and died in my arms, her blood all over me. Please leave.
That’s all we here at Bunny Ears were able to transcribe before sinking into a deep pit of depression for a while. Hope this was helpful (or something?). Whatever. Maybe just leave us alone for a while, okay?
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…