I Definitely Don't Have Toxoplasmosis But I Do Eat Cat Food by Rani Baker
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The All Cat Food Diet! (That Definitely Isn’t Just A Symptom of My Severe Toxoplasmosis)

toxoplasmosis

Guys. GUYS. I really need to tell you about this amazing new cat food diet and how it has improved my life. This isn’t another one of my fads. This has undeniable results. I’ve saved so much money, lost so much weight, and no longer fret about pretty much anything. And it’s fostered a stronger bond with my cat.

We now eat the same food—and out of the same bowl!

Not only does this save time, but my confidence has gone through the roof. A couple weeks ago I marched up to my day job boss and told him he wasn’t paying me enough. And he agreed! He insisted I clock out and go home and never come back if I was so unsatisfied. So I did! Now I have a ton of free time to find more lucrative opportunities. Maybe I’ll become one of those eBay resellers that flips thrift store finds for a living. I have such a good eye for all that. I’ll probably be rich in no time!

Plus, but my sex life has improved dramatically. I’m on all the hookup apps now (as well as some less…reputable sites). I feel so free and adventurous that I signed up for a mid-air sky diving threesome with two guys! You ever had Eiffel Tower sex action with 12,000 feet of open air beneath you? I’ve done neither, and now I’m gonna do both!

I’ve also realized I have a kink for car crashes. Like a straight up David Cronenberg-style sex kink for watching beautiful cars implode in on themselves on impact. Like, have you ever seen Crash? Not the film that won an Oscar. I’m talking about the film where James Spader has sex with the dude that played Casey Jones from the first Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie. God I would let that dude hit me with his hockey stick.

Elias Koteas. Right. That guy. Anyway he has a tattoo of a steering wheel on his stomach from his first car crash. That has got to be the sexiest thing I ever heard. I want that tattoo and also to have that car crash first.

What were we talking about again? Cat food? Ah yes, delicious cat food.

Anyway my doctor is worried as hell about me for some reason. Something about the nutritional content of my all cat food diet. The term “rabbit starvation” was brought up, but it doesn’t seem relevant because I don’t even own a rabbit. He wants to know my “habits” when cleaning the litter, but I’ve decided not to tell him me and Bugles share a gravel pit in the backyard for that unpleasantness. Keep that nasty stuff out of the house altogether. It’s healthier.

He talks about some sort of parasite that cats carry that can alter the personalities of humans. Making them less risk-averse and prone to seeking out dangerous behaviors. The doctor goes on blah blah blah about “symptoms” that mostly sound like everything that currently brings me joy in life. If back-alley public sex and destroying expensive cars is an illness, I don’t ever want to get well.

Fuck you, doc. I’m the doctor now. And I’m gonna eat this cat food forever.

Images: Pexels, Wikimedia,  Steve Jurvetson/Flickr, Sunny Ripert/Flickr

Rani Baker
Rani Baker

Not So Good Witch

Rani Baker is a writer for Cracked, Transadvocate, Bunny Ears (I mean) among others and frontperson for hacker punk band Destroyed For Comfort. Created the video games You Can't Go Home, Never Go To Work and Death Sword. Wants to be funnier but also wants you to like her just so, so much.Not a celebrity devil worshiper, or at least not a celebrity.

3 Comments
  1. As I read all of this I literally heard it as if Macaulay was the one reading it out loud. LMAO!! This stuff is great! Cant get enough!

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