My Dog Is 21 In His Years, So Why Can’t I Marry Him?
You’ve probably heard that one year for a dog is equal to seven years for us humans—assuming you’re a fellow human reading this and not some brilliant raccoon. So why is it that my three-year-old dog (21 in my years) and I aren’t allowed to make our love official in the holy sacrament of wedded bliss?
I wanted to surprise Buster on his third birthday (again, actually 21st for humans) by proposing to him and starting our happily-ever-after together as soon as possible. I even hid a ring in his dog food and proposed to him two days later after fetching it from his poop. But unfortunately, the courts refused to recognize our love.
It doesn’t make any sense: At 21, we humans are allowed to drive trucks, serve in the military, and vote on new Lays potato chip flavors. But 21 somehow isn’t old enough for my pug to marry the person he loves more than anyone in the world not currently feeding him scraps of bacon under the table?
It isn’t fair. People always go on and on about how lucky they are when they get to marry their best friend, so why can’t I? My friends and family always ask (or rather, “passionately beg”) me to try and date fellow humans. Why the heck would I want to do that? If I was interested in getting into a relationship with a boring, cruel, self-centered creature that turns down my affections at every turn, I’d just marry my cat. You know, if I were legally allowed to do that, which I’m also not!
People keep telling me this relationship of ours isn’t right. But what relationship is? Love is hard enough on its own without the legal system getting involved. I know that Buster seems young, but he’s mature beyond his years. Because—I can’t reiterate this enough—he’s 21. So stop judging us when we’re out on a date in a back alley, slurping on either end of a strand of spaghetti and sharing a toilet water martini, you prudes.