What Your Precious Moments Figurines Say About You (Behind Your Back)

Your Precious Moments figurines say a lot about you, especially when you’re not around. You may not be aware of this, but those little porcelain dolls that you think really bring a subtle “charm” to the room are secretly sentient and gossip constantly about every aspect of your life. So, for the sake of transparency, here’s what your Precious Moments figurines say behind your back.

Suzie

She might look sweet, but ol’ Suze has some pretty strong opinions about your fashion misfires. Do you honestly think you’re able to pull off those pants with your body type? They’re called “skinny jeans” for a reason, you know. And you’re as colorblind as that damn dog that keeps knocking her off the nightstand if you think those yellow boots compliment that purple purse. Yuck.

Tammy and Tommy

You know that couple that has nothing left to talk about and the only thing they have in common anymore is their shared hatred of someone else? You’re that someone else. The day you decided to trim your own bangs extended their relationship a minimum of six months. What the hell were you thinking? Now you have nothing to hide your weird eyebrows behind and they’re on constant display in all their crooked, bushy glory. Quit being so cheap and just go to a real stylist already, jeez.

The Murder Street Posse

Skuzz, Switchblade, Homicide & Co. haven’t liked your S.O. from the start. They see that you’re clearly still rebounding from your ex, even though it’s somehow lasted two years. While you think that you won the breakup because your new flame is the exact opposite of your old BF in every way, that’s just resentment clouding your judgment. You’re going along with everything—even the open relationship idea you know will only end in disaster—because you still aren’t over Steve after all this time and think these terrible decisions are somehow getting back at him, even though he hasn’t thought about you in months. You deserve better, even if you don’t believe it yourself.

They also say that buying and placing figurines like them all around your house isn’t a substitute for a personality. Quit being so basic.

Earl Kowalski

“Jeeeezus, what the hell have you been eatin’, lady? In my 36 years as a plumber I ain’t never seen nothin’ this dense and pungent. It’s like your entire diet is blue cheese and the cork they stuff baseballs with. I’m gonna need a drilling permit to unclog this mess. What went so wrong for you? Because this ain’t the bowel movement of a happy person.”

Images: Matthewried/Flickr, Christ-lover/Flickr, Pchow98/Flickr, Matthewried/Flickr