Back-To-School Sales For Regressing Back To When You Had Hope
Summer is drawing to a close, and all of our reading lists, workout plans, and spontaneous vacations failed to come to fruition. But don’t despair! It’s just about time for that one last beautiful beacon of hope. That’s right: Back-to-school sales are here!
Remember When Life Didn’t Suck?
To small children with no money and no pain, back-to-school sales can kinda suck. They’re a reminder that homework is coming, and warm bologna sandwiches aren’t far behind. But for you, a member of the exhausted adult population, back-to-school sales are a chance to revert back to a time where your biggest worry was math class. MATH CLASS, YOU GUYS. Not that the planet is being destroyed by morons.
It’s Essentially Self-Care
Sure, people might look at you, a 32-year-old adult, a little weird for browsing glitter erasers and Snoopy notebooks. They might call store security to report that you’re smelling all the scented markers. They might even resent you ripping the unicorn pencil right out of a nine year-old’s hands. But so what? Does that nine-year-old have to pay taxes? Did their mom just call them to tell them she’s considering buying a burial plot? No? Then that nine-year-old can shut the hell up. Adult life is garbage. Buy all the unicorn pencils you can physically carry!
Out Your Inner Child
One of the reasons adult life is so hard—besides the gig economy, the rise of white nationalism, and measles being a thing again—is that you just aren’t allowed to play any more. So peruse those sweet, sweet back-to-school aisles. Unleash your inner child. Make believe that this store never closes and that if you wedge yourself very, very tightly behind the poster board display you’ll never have to go back to your garbage real adult life ever again!