3 Best Places To Lay Your Eggs This Spring (And 4 You Shouldn’t!)
It’s egg season! With all the planning that goes into Easter, it’s hard to set aside the time to figure out the perfect place to lay your eggs as you, as normal humans do each and every spring. Be harried no more, for we’ve compiled a comprehensive list of the best places to lay your eggs as well as some common but disastrous faux pas.
Good: On Top Of The Dryer
When you lay your eggs, you’ve got to leave them someplace warm (but not too warm) to incubate. Try putting them in a little basket on top of the clothes dryer. It gets toasty and also vibrates just a little, which your unborn egg children will altogether interpret as their parent sitting atop their shells.
Bad: Fire Station
NO. It is a safe place, but only for birthed humans. They do that thing where if you drop them off there, it’s a no-questions-asked, you’re-giving-them-up-for-adoption situation. The firemen will then turn your eggs over to Egg Protective Services, and you’ll never see your eggs again.
Good: A Bird’s Nest
That is where birds birth tiny birds. You can trick a bird into sitting on your eggs to incubate them, and then, when the time of birth is nigh, you can swipe yours back. Make sure to bring a good bird-poking stick, because that mother bird will be angry, as she will have long ago accepted your eggs as hers. Stupid bird!
Bad: Pool Table Side Pocket
Even a gently hit ball that rolls into the pocket will smash an egg. Even if your eggs survive that, do you really want your babies picking up profane pool hall slang and taking up smoking before they’re even born?
Good: Compost Pile
Human eggshells and chicken eggshells are chemically identical, packing valuable nutrients vital to an egg baby’s health. Buy organic eggs (and vegetables), and throw the shells (and peels) into a compost bin. Then, lay your eggs on top of this heaping mini-mountain of hot, steaming biological waste. (Just don’t throw more garbage on top of your eggs. They might suffocate or turn into mutant trash babies.)
Bad: Your Partner’s Butt
Sorry to sound like a traditional, conservative “fuddy-duddy,” but the human anus is not meant for this. Eggs are supposed to come out of a butt, not go into one.
Bonus Bad: In The Care Of Your Neighbor, Mr. Foxman
So many egg-layers have made this tragic mistake, we would be remiss not to include it. Yes, he may seem like a nice guy, but he’s definitely interested in your eggs. He only moved in three months ago, and he asks you every day if you’ve laid your eggs yet and where. This behavior might make what appears to be a man in a trench coat and low-brimmed hat appear to be an ideal caretaker, but be warned. Foxman = fox man, and if you put your eggs in his mouth, he will probably eat them immediately. Sure, we might be wrong and Mr. Foxman might really be just an overly attentive human man, but do you really want to risk it?