We Found The Key To Stop Aging But It Involves Skinning These Puppies
We know you thought age would come upon you gradually; perhaps a single grey hair at 40, a graceful laugh line at 50. But you’re barely 30 now and things aren’t lookin’ good. However, we have good news: Our super-secret scientists at Bunny Ears (so secret they can’t even reveal where they got their degrees!) have discovered the key to stop your face from turning into a Salvador Dali painting.
And it only involves skinning these adorable puppies.
Don’t look at us like that. This isn’t a simple case of whitening your teeth or reshaping your brows. This is hitting pause on the most powerful force in the world: Time. You had to know it was going to involve dead animals. All the good beauty secrets do. So come on, SKIN THOSE PUPPIES! And by “those puppies” we literally mean this puppy:
We know, we know—brutally murdering Muffins, Jug-Jug, and Dr. Snifflemans is a difficult moral quandary. So we always advice those potentially interested in this treatment to make a handy pros and cons list. Here’s a solid example:
- Con: You have to murder a bunch of, frankly, adorable puppies, even though we pretty much guarantee the internet thinks their lives are worth more than yours.
- Pro: You never have to put up with Mother gifting you skin serum and saying it’s just to perk you up since you “look so tired” in all your photos.
Honestly, we think you’re being a little precious about this whole puppy-skinning enterprise. How often have you been told that beauty is pain and sacrifice? Did you not realize all those celebrities were talking about actual sacrifice? You didn’t think they just meant skipping pie, did you? Please.
Overall, whatever you decide to do (and it should be skinning these puppies), you need to consider the big picture. The world is full of hundreds and thousands of puppies, probably, and yet you only have one face. In the grand scheme of things, most puppies will survive to adulthood totally un-sacrificed, while you won’t survive in the dating game past 35 if you don’t get a jump on those forehead lines. (And let’s be clear: You do not have the face for bangs. You have the face for tiny baby corgi murder. And we mean that in the most complimentary way possible).
So let’s put on our big-girl slaughter pants and get to work!
Katie Goldin’s Golden Rules
Weekly comics from the mind of Bunny Ears writer Katie Goldin. They're weird, they're funny, and they're always so pretty! The Goldin Rules…