I Tried The ‘Link’s Awakening’ Reboot And The Chickens Have Unionized

September 20, 2019 by , featured in Video Games
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I love Zelda and was so excited about the new Link’s Awakening remake (The Link’s Awakening release date—AND the Link’s Awakening Switch release date is September 20th, y’all!). Like any gamer, I expected it to be exactly the same as the old game and got SUPER MAD when it wasn’t (but also, I’d be complaining if it was.) In reality, there’s only one real difference between this version and the others: The chickens have unionized and are demanding fair treatment.

Seriously, It’s the Same Except for THIS

And I would know. I used to slash chickens with reckless abandon only to have them descend upon me like a chicken blizzard. (Editor’s note to Dairy Queen: We will sponsor your new Chicken Blizzard!]

But Now, the Chickens Have Elected a Representative

In the Link’s Awakening 2019 edition, when I slash a chicken, a democratically chicken-elected rep approaches me to discuss chicken health benefits and job hazards, like being hit with a sword or blown up by a big bomb. It’s boring and unfair to me, the person leaving the big bombs! Plus, I don’t like change! Also, if I throw a clay pot at them, I have to pay workchicken’s comp. (The owners of the clay pots still don’t care that I’m smashing their clay pots, though.)

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 I Am Now Tied Up in Lengthy Legal Procedures

Yes, I have more than enough rupees to afford workchicken’s comp. But it’s the principle of the thing. I don’t like when games become political, progressive, or any different from how I remember them as a kid, when I didn’t get the ways in which they were political or progressive. Plus, I miss when a bunch of chickens would descend upon me, take half a heart, and be done with it. Now my hearts are depleting VERY, VERY slowly through a lengthy litigation process. It’s like half my game. Or at least half of this playthrough. I could just pay up but then the chickens would win (in principle—I’d still win the game).

The other half of the game is exactly the same as it used to be and that’s great. So go purchase the Link’s Awakening 2019 remake and just avoid the chickens.

Images: Unsplash, Uline, Nintendo


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