Hello fellow fashionistas! It’s chilly weather season! And you know what that means: layers! To truly be a fashion maven, you should express yourself by being bold and layering different types of printed clothes. Rock a pair of polka dot pants and a paisley shirt, #werk a houndstooth skirt with a floral jacket, and violently assault the eyes of the elderly with a fierce zebra-stripe pant under a herringbone jacket. Since it may be tempting to go a little to cray cray with the overlay, here are a few friendly do’s, don’ts, and dare-nots lest ye incur the wrath of XXottlogyax the Textiles God, whose judgment is violent and final.
For those of you in need of some fashion 101, let’s go over some of the staple patterned textiles you should have in your closet: plaid, tartan, herringbone, gingham, dixie-cup-chic, chevron, floral, animal print, boho, imperial trellis, Luxembourgian ink salad, quatrefoil, abstract, anime girl collage, French country decor toile, Hawaiian, generic reproductions of prints from Native American tribes that were wiped out due to genocide, polka-dot, haut bus-seat, bird splatter, and vectorized Jeff Goldblum face Damask.
Now that we’ve covered the basics, here comes the difficult part of figuring out which prints you can wear together, and which will end with your soul being violently ripped from your body as Xxottlogyax enacts his cruel, capricious judgement upon you.
“Clashing” is now allowed in fashion, but it has to be done thoughtfully. You can mix animal prints with florals, but if you mix animal prints with plaid, Xxottlogyax will tear through the void, his giant clawed hand tearing apart reality until it reaches you and crushes you into a chunky pulp of mismatched garments. Contrary to popular belief, vertical stripes can be mixed with diagonal stripes, but if you add horizontal stripes into the mix you will be smote almost instantly (but not painlessly – Xxottlogyax can make an instant last an eternity. His powers are terrible and without limit).
Don’t be shy with layering gingham! These can create a cute, haute, picnic-couture. You can even toss a floral ascot into the mix. But do remember to limit the number of different gingham patterns to three. I beg of you. They must not exceed this number, not even undergarments. If a fourth gingham print is introduced, ancient prophecy warns of the almighty Xxottlogyax cursing the mortal realm with what is ominously known as, “The Age of a Great Number of Spiders.”
Let’s not forget about some unconventional but beautifully textured fabrics. Yak’s wool with embroidered pineapple print is becoming a fashion world favorite, and who’s to say you shouldn’t mix that with some tie-dye high-waisted bell bottoms? This was a trick question: Xxottlogyax is to say. His word is absolute. His decrees echo throughout the universe, and are woven into every strand of every cell of every being throughout all five dimensions. A mortal cannot look upon Xxottlogyax’s fall wardrobe. His pants are an infinity of light. He has a blouse that is woven from the concept of nothingness. Though his punishments may seem harsh and eternally torturous, they are in truth a mercy. We are but tiny insects inhabiting an endless expanse of fashion. When we step outside our mortal terrarium, we deserve to be crushed by one of Xxottlogyax’s razor-sharp phalanges.
So play around with your patterns! Think about color. Think about silhouette. Think about Xxottlogyax’s hundredfold unblinking black eyes. But have fun with it! A geometric boho skirt can really sing with a palm frond print off-shoulder top. Try a bold leopard print with a royal-blue trefoil – be creative! But not too creative. Overly inventive people will have their teeth, skin, and bones collected for dark, upsetting purposes.