bunnyears

…Violent Pokémon dispute sparks trade war…
…Help, I’m Trapped In A Headline Writing Factory. Details To Follow…
…New Boyfriend Eats Imitation Crab Straight From The Package…
…Single Woman Manages To Meet Food Delivery Minimum…
…Bunny Ears wins prestigious Bunny Ears website of the year award at the Bunny Ears Awards…
…Half The World’s Bees Have Never Seen The Show Seinfeld…
…Against All Odds, Man Learns To Dance…
…According to studies accordions are unsteady…
…According to studies studying causes cancer…
…Chill Girlfriend Constantly Suppressing Everything…
…Santa is real, and he lives in your crawl space….
…Children May Be Stupider And Weaker Than Previously Thought…
…Shazaam not a real movie…Google it…
…Did Tupac fake his birth?…
…Quiz: Is This The Good Milk?…
…Breaking: Absolutely no one wang chunging tonight…
…Report reveals Rice-A-Roni actually from Detroit…
…Confirmed: Everyone is hanging out without you…
…Woman Memorizes Snapple Fact In Case Tonight’s Party Is That Bad…
…Mother Struggles To Explain Scott Baio To Her Child…
…Scientists find that deja vu is just alternate timeline of you dying…
…Fourth grade teacher found to be not as hot as you remember…
…Very smart toilet begs for death…
…Big dick energy drink selling poorly…
…Local Couple Adopts Blind Dogs And Just Puts Them Down…
…Woman With Scoliosis Has Detailed Knowledge Of Floor-…
…Survey finds startling amount of ghosts are racist….
…A New Generation Of Turtles Are Learning Martial Arts…
…Adult Hearing Mom Use Their Full Name Still Terrified…
…Opinion: We’re In A Golden Age Of Trash Talking…
…Hurricane wipes out town of Duckberg…
…Spoiler alert: The milk has gone bad…
…Study: Loss Of Car Leads To 1000% Catcalling Increase…
…Hospital Cracks Down On Patients Getting Chemo For Fun…
…Gordon Ramsay Signed Beef Wellington Sells For 1.6 Million…
…6 Year Online Romance Ends In Weird Handshake…
… Michael Jordan Comes Out Of Retirement To Dunk On Angela Merkel…
…Your Dog Might Have A Secret Passport…
…Breaking – There’s A Spider In Your Pocket…
…Email From Mom Has 4 FWDs In Subject Line…
…Am I standing right behind you? The answer might surprise you!…
…Single 32 Year Old Patiently Waits For Friends To Get Divorced…
…’Glow Up’ Discovered To Just Be DBZ Reference…
…Unusually Buff Dog Not Breaking Eye Contact…
…13th month discovered between February and March….
…Update: Only very tiny hats now cool…
…Local white guy “gets it”…
…Drugs In Water Supply Treat Fish’s Depression…
…Research shows laughter definitely not the best medicine…
…Sugar daddy eaten by ants…
…Man pretty sure Game Of Thrones is historically accurate…
…Don’t Forget To Grab Milk…
…Opinion: I Have The Best Smile And Coolest Personality …
…Millennials Are Disrupting The Banjo Industry…
…Dollars to donuts exchange crashing…
…Scientists Discover A Lot Of Cool Junk In Older Brother’s Room…
…Reported discovery of new planet turns out to be your mom…
…Man discovers woman already knows thing he was going to tell her….

How Many Patterned Prints Can You Layer Before You Upset Xxottlogyax?

Hello fellow fashionistas! It’s chilly weather season! And you know what that means: layers! To truly be a fashion maven, you should express yourself by being bold and layering different types of printed clothes. Rock a pair of polka dot pants and a paisley shirt, #werk a houndstooth skirt with a floral jacket, and violently assault the eyes of the elderly with a fierce zebra-stripe pant under a herringbone jacket. Since it may be tempting to go a little to cray cray with the overlay, here are a few friendly do’s, don’ts, and dare-nots lest ye incur the wrath of XXottlogyax the Textiles God, whose judgment is violent and final.

For those of you in need of some fashion 101, let’s go over some of the staple patterned textiles you should have in your closet: plaid, tartan, herringbone, gingham, dixie-cup-chic, chevron, floral, animal print, boho, imperial trellis, Luxembourgian ink salad, quatrefoil, abstract, anime girl collage, French country decor toile, Hawaiian, generic reproductions of prints from Native American tribes that were wiped out due to genocide, polka-dot, haut bus-seat, bird splatter, and vectorized Jeff Goldblum face Damask.

Now that we’ve covered the basics, here comes the difficult part of figuring out which prints you can wear together, and which will end with your soul being violently ripped from your body as Xxottlogyax enacts his cruel, capricious judgement upon you.

“Clashing” is now allowed in fashion, but it has to be done thoughtfully. You can mix animal prints with florals, but if you mix animal prints with plaid, Xxottlogyax will tear through the void, his giant clawed hand tearing apart reality until it reaches you and crushes you into a chunky pulp of mismatched garments. Contrary to popular belief, vertical stripes can be mixed with diagonal stripes, but if you add horizontal stripes into the mix you will be smote almost instantly (but not painlessly – Xxottlogyax can make an instant last an eternity. His powers are terrible and without limit).

Don’t be shy with layering gingham! These can create a cute, haute, picnic-couture. You can even toss a floral ascot into the mix. But do remember to limit the number of different gingham patterns to three. I beg of you. They must not exceed this number, not even undergarments. If a fourth gingham print is introduced, ancient prophecy warns of the almighty Xxottlogyax cursing the mortal realm with what is ominously known as, “The Age of a Great Number of Spiders.”

Let’s not forget about some unconventional but beautifully textured fabrics. Yak’s wool with embroidered pineapple print is becoming a fashion world favorite, and who’s to say you shouldn’t mix that with some tie-dye high-waisted bell bottoms? This was a trick question: Xxottlogyax is to say. His word is absolute. His decrees echo throughout the universe, and are woven into every strand of every cell of every being throughout all five dimensions. A mortal cannot look upon Xxottlogyax’s fall wardrobe. His pants are an infinity of light. He has a blouse that is woven from the concept of nothingness. Though his punishments may seem harsh and eternally torturous, they are in truth a mercy. We are but tiny insects inhabiting an endless expanse of fashion. When we step outside our mortal terrarium, we deserve to be crushed by one of Xxottlogyax’s razor-sharp phalanges.

So play around with your patterns! Think about color. Think about silhouette. Think about Xxottlogyax’s hundredfold unblinking black eyes. But have fun with it! A geometric boho skirt can really sing with a palm frond print off-shoulder top. Try a bold leopard print with a royal-blue trefoil – be creative! But not too creative. Overly inventive people will have their teeth, skin, and bones collected for dark, upsetting purposes.

DON’T MISS:  7 Fragrances That Will Remind You Grandma's Gone Forever

You Might Also Like

I’d Quit My Fashion Job But I Love Dressing Rich People As Literal Dicks

For me, it started small. It was a beanie that looked like a dick.

Read More

Barney The Dinosaur On Shopping, Sex, And His Healthy Purple Glow

We’re all about the icons of the ’90s, and perhaps no one is more iconic of that simpler time than Barney the Dinosaur. We grew up alongside that taxonomically ambiguous purple creature, so it’s only natural that he also grew up alongside us. What you may not know (but, of course, we do, because we…

Read More

Clear Purses To Show Everyone Just How Much You Spit Into Your Purse!

Yes, we SPIT in our purses!

Read More
1 Comment

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published.

Stalk Us

Video of the Week

We’re Back, Baby! Take THAT, Sawa!